At Wits End

I decided to haul the whole clan to the theatre the other night. I thought it’d be a good way to relax and to be honest it was my night to cook and this was a good way to get out of making ravioli’s. I can never get the all the ravioli’s out of the can and I always burn them to the bottom of the pot. Personally, I could care less because I lost all of my taste buds in ’72 when I took a dare and licked the bottom of an armadillo at a party to see if it would stick to the ceiling, but the rest of the family always notices when their food doesn’t taste right. I don’t know why they couldn’t make ravioli’s easier to cook. They should pre cook them and then we could just heat them up, that’s how all good food comes. Chef Boyardee? More like Chef Boyar-dumbass if you ask me. I don’t know why I buy that stuff anyway. I keep tellin’ myself I gotta stop supporting Mexico. In my opinion they’re tryin’ to overrun America by replacing the Gideon Bible in our hotel rooms with that Don Coyote book or whatever Mexicans read when they get all excited and hoot and holler and shoot their pistols in the air.






Tastes great but almost impossible to prepare





As I was sayin, I took everyone to the theatre because I didn’t want to cook. It doesn’t matter though because I’m pretty sure popcorn and twizzlers are in that food pyramid thing that most people think was built by aliens but everyone knows was constructed by American slaves during the Boer War. I wanted to go see “Big Mamma Needs Lypo”, the one where Martin Lawrence dresses up like a fat woman and Eddie Murphy dresses up like a fat woman doctor who telepathically talks with his surgeon who happens to be a bear played by Samuel L. Jackson. We scrapped that idea when Beth informed me I dreamt that movie up after eating a pound of shrimp I found under the couch.

In the end we decided to go see Pirates of the Caribbean 3: At Worlds End, and I gotta tell ya, never before has a movie made such sense. All of the characters were just like me and you, just average joe’s tryin’ to make it in this crazy old world. I also have to say that the multiple storylines only strengthened the primary plot, which was of course portraying the history of the United States in pirate form. I have to warn you, there are spoilers ahead so if you’d rather go to the theatre and absorb the whole thing yourself stop right now because sometimes my writing can be kind of confusing and I don’t want to drag down the quality of this movie’s plot.












The monkey is actually in the spirit world but because the Black Pearl is sailing under the Green Flash at sunset he gets one day every ten years with Captain Barbossa. Barbossa is only half in the spirit world because Orlando Bloom’s heart, which is in the treasure chest, is still beating but if Davy Jones touches the Black Pearl with equal to or greater than ¾ of his face tentacles he’s home free which also releases Jack Sparrow from the spirit world but NOT the underworld, there’s a huge difference between the two but don’t worry, it’s all tied together in Keith Richards’ amazing acoustic guitar performance.

Like I said, the movie takes us through a clear and concise journey portraying the origins of our fair country. Take the scene where Jack Sparrow is in Davy Jones’ locker and his ship is stranded in the desert. He is hallucinating and seeing many different forms of himself, these of course represent the many American politicians circa 1770 who talked in circles and couldn’t get anywhere. The magic stones that turn into crabs represent the British. At first, Sparrow doesn’t want anything to do with the stones and he throws them away just as the Americans didn’t want anything to do with the British.

Throwing the magic stone crabs away was so like the Boston Tea Party it wasn’t even funny. In the end Sparrow realizes he needs the magic crabs to take his ship to the ocean just like the American realized they needed the British so they could have someone to make fun of in the future. I mean, what’s up with their food, weather and overall dental hygiene? Am I right? See, the jokes have survived all this time, the system works and Pirates of the Caribbean understands this system, God bless them.






This is the scene where Jack’s arch nemesis, Captain Jockstrap, challenges him to a duel, or as I like to call it, one of the best moments in cinematic history




Let’s move on to the scene where Calypso is released from her human form into a 100 foot version of herself who pukes up crabs for 5 minutes. Clearly this represents the America Civil Rights movement of the 1960s. The midget pirate, I’m sorry, that’s not politically correct, the half-pint freak pirate, represents Martin Luther King Jr. and his struggle to rise above it all. In the end the Civil Rights movement swelled and swelled until it couldn’t be controlled by white America until it exploded all over the place. In the movie, I think that the crabs that came out of her represented all of the STD’s she spread throughout the years. Ahh well, she died as she lived, giving crabs to pirates.

The final scene where the two ships are fighting in a whirlpool while the British Armada watches at the sidelines is obviously portraying the war in Iraq. The Black Pearl is the United States and the Flying Dutchman is Al Qaeda or Iraq or the Sunni’s or whoever we’re fighting over there. The British ships represents the rest of the world standing by and not doing anything and the Singapore ships represent the British who say they are with us but always disappear when the shit goes down.

Davy Jones is Saddam Hussein because he killed that one guy pretty gruesomely when his face tentacles went up his nose and all that. Orlando Bloom is George W. Bush because he kicks ass before asking questions unless there’s a pretty girl in the way in which case he has his way with her and then kicks ass. That’s why Keira Knightley represents Canada because those sap suckers are our bitches and the sooner they admit that the better. Johnny Depp is Condoleeza Rice because he ends up playing second fiddle to Orland Bloom in this one and he’s pretty cooky just like little Condy.


















I WAS going to save you but I can’t until I go into Davy Jones’ locker to get Jack Sparrow back so he can pretend to be allied with the British but the truth is he really is allied with the British UNLESS Miss Swan kisses him three times with her eyes closed in which case he’ll be allied with us AND the British but he still won’t be able to return to the living world until his magic compass that he stole from the British points north for exactly five hours straight. It’s pretty straight forward, I don’t know why you look so confused Bootstrap.

As for Keith Richards’ appearance, I’m pretty sure he represents Dr. Phil. He’s the father to Johnny Depp just like Dr. Phil is a father figure to all of us Americans. I know Depp represents Condoleeza Rice and she isn’t really all Americans but I’m willing to stretch this concept a little bit in spite of the fact that the movie is so straight forward.

So there you have it, a great movie, an even greater country. My only complaint is that the movie could've been at least an hour and a half longer, just to flesh out the side plots a little more. I can't understand how anyone could walk away from this movie without a permanent hardon for the U.S.A. If you didn't like the movie, all I can say is go back to Iran, Osama.

I can’t wait for numbers 4, 5 and 6 to come out. I hear the 6th one is going to be called Pirates of The Caribbean Retirement Home.














Yarr, this retirement home be drafty, says I