When Life Gives You Lemons

I was feelin’ kind of disgusted with myself the other day. I had spent 38 hours in an online sex chat room telling chicks I was a guy in a wheelchair to make them feel sorry for me. The online chat name I used was “The Cannon”. I felt guilty afterwards and needed a pick-me-up. Usually I’d just pick my nose until it bleeds for fun but I needed something else. I decided to look at some of the motivational posters Beth keeps putting up in the office. I quickly found out that they were about as inspiring as Eddie Murphy’s music career. Sure, I like to party all the time too Eddie, but not in the gay way you sing about it. I had some serious problems with Beth’s choice of motivational posters, they were either lame or they just didn’t make any sense.





















I don't get it
















I don't get it
















I don't get it

I decided to check out other forms of motivation, like Tony Robbins. I was kind of wary buying any of his products because one Christmas I bought his book Awaken the Giant Within for Beth thinking she could use it to find new ways to excite the ‘ole trouser snake if you know what I mean. Turns out that book had nothing to do with any of that and Barnes and Noble wouldn’t let me return it because I’d spilled spaghetti all over the first few pages.

In the end I got Tony’s book Get the Edge! And also Legends of Mastery, which I got as an audio-book. The last time I got an audio-book was Lee Marvin’s I’ve Seen Better Film on Teeth from 1971. It was a comedy album where he takes a light hearted jab at all kinds of movies, even ones he’d been in. Here’s a small excerpt:

Telly Savalas, what a fuggin’ dick…should’ve called him Telly SavalASS…HA, Dirty Dozen: The Fatal Mission, Jesus, that movie stunk worse then Charles Bronson. He’s another one I got issues with, nobody tells me when and when I shouldn’t be drinkin’, I don’t need nobody. What you lookin at? You callin' me a queer? C’mere you little worm I’ll gut you like a toad…I didn’t mean it, I love you man, I love you…*CLUNK* Zzzzzzzzzzzz

After reading some of Tony Robbins’ book I decided it wasn’t for me. I couldn’t figure out what the hell he was talking about with finding my inner beauty and tackling every opportunity no matter how small. Let me tell you something, I don’t think I could find my inner beauty with a GPS and the only thing I like to tackle is an ice head whose pants are full of urine…because he’s scared of me not because he has a bladder condition. I’d also like to point out that occasionally, after I’ve funneled 17 beers, I like to tackle Beth. Thanks but no thanks, Mr. Robbins. Want my advice? Stick to making ice cream with that actor Bob Baskins.














For $9.95 I’d like to see them be motivated to add more Oreos

I decided I’d had enough with relying on other people to motivate me, I’m the Dog for Christ’s sake. The last time I can remember being motivated by someone else was in ’83 while watching the A Team. Murdock says to B.A. Baracus: “I wish I could just jump in the water and live like a fish”. B.A. replies: “Shut up fool, you ain’t no fish!” How true is that? Mr. T was probably the greatest philosopher we’ve ever had, what he meant was you have to know yourself, I don’t think it’s ever been said as clearly as that.

That advice really helped me out because at the time I was going through an identity crisis where I thought I would dye my hair blonde and be a parole officer. Luckily Mr. T. turned my life around and I made the huge jump to dying my hair bleach blonde and going into the bounty hunting industry. Bravo, Mr. T., I hope to see your bid for the presidency in ’08.









I pity the fool that doesn’t focus on the U.S-Beijing trade deficit






Since Mr. T isn’t on TV anymore I decided to make my own motivational slogans but instead of hogging them for myself which I have every right to do as a right wing American, I’ve decided to share them so that you, the reader, can use them and turn the “Bitchin” dial all the way to 10 in your daily life. After reading these I hope Tony Robbins is motivated to eat his enlarged heart out, enjoy.

“If you can afford it, you can probably do it”

"Everything is possible, if you're a white male"

“You are the only person on earth who can use your ability…except for your doppelganger and possibly aliens like the ones from that movie The Puppet Masters where they put something in the back of your neck and make you have sex with ugly people”.

“People often say that motivation never lasts, well neither does the high you get from huffing gas fumes from a paper bag, that’s why I recommend both daily”.

“It’s not knowing what to do, It’s knowing how to avoid doing it”

“The only thing holding you back is your very tiny brain”

"All's fair when lovin' whores"

“There is no such thing as failure, but there is such a thing as fucking up”

Ask yourself: “How am I going to live today in order to create the tomorrow where robot butlers do all of my house chores?”

And finally: “Do who you like, like who you do”.