Where was I? Oh yeah, Law and Order. I remember it now. Two undercover cops play a River Boat captain and his Navigator. The captain, Miles Cadillac, is played by Emmanuel Lewis from the show Webster. The Navigator, Misty LaRue, is played by Mindy Cohn. You may remember her as Natalie from The Facts of Life.
I like my drinks from Concentrate, squeezed, not blended
It's her subtle approach to acting I like
The sexual tension between the two on the show is very real, and let me tell ya brah, I know sexual tension. One time before I got married there was this sweet little piece of tail workin’ down at the KFC. I’d go there three times a week to unwind after a hard day of rubbing a criminal’s face in Lady Justice’s excrement and she’d flirt with me like crazy. The girl workin’ the counter, not Lady Justice. Don’t get me wrong, if Lady Justice ever offered, I’d tip her scales in a second, are ya with me people?
As I was sayin, the KFC chick was flirting with me all the time. I’ve never had anyone give me extra handi-wipes that many times in a row, it was pretty clear what she wanted. I knew how these little games work so I returned the favor by telling her I’d like to use her thighs as earmuffs. Now I’m not allowed back in the KFC but I’m pretty sure it’s just her way of making the embers of lust burn that much stronger.
Anyway, after watching several episodes of this show I decided to take a trip down ‘ole memory lane and share with you, my loyal fans, one of the most intense busts I’ve ever been a part of.
It was 1975 and the Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour was the 35th most popular show on television. I was in California, feeling the fallout of my failed acting career. It was a time of several changes in America, mainly with the drug scene. I hear there were other things going on at the time but I had a healthy interest in drugs and I’m not good at multi-tasking so I stayed focused on that. Pot was gettin’ old at the time but cocaine was a great new way to meet interesting people and start conversations that go nowhere. I was just getting’ into law enforcement as well, back then all cops had to have at least some trace of cocaine in their system to pass the qualifying “hip” test.
I got lucky and landed a gig as a security guard at the Smothers Brothers set where I overheard Tommy Smothers freaking out about how someone had stolen their weekly crate of coke. Dick was furious, he’d already chopped the fingers off of three stagehands to see if they’d cough up the info but it turns out they didn’t know anything. I offered to help them. At first they looked like they didn’t trust me but then they had an idea where I could pose as their long lost brother, Harry Smothers.
Don't F@#k with Dick
I posed as Harry for three weeks on the Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour. Unfortunately their ratings at the time consisted of Tommy and Dick’s parents so nobody saw it. They even edited me out of the DVD edition, replacing me with a giant rubber flower instead. In order to find out who nicked the coke I had to investigate everyone they were associated with. There was Keith Moon, but I quickly ruled him out because he wasn’t able to put his own pants on by himself by 1975 let alone organize a massive coke heist. He was about as likely a suspect as Jim Morrison’s ghost, who happened to be my number 2 suspect below Keith Moon at the time.
My biggest suspect soon became the folk singer Donovan, who had a lot of appearances on the show. Donovan was always hanging around outside the studio and asking to be put on the show even though I’m pretty sure he hadn’t made an album in about 8 years. If you ask me, the guy just made a career ripping off Bob Dylan anyway. When he came up to us asking if he could perform his brand new song “Mangled Up In Stew” I told Tommy and Dick to let him in.
Sure, he looks drug free, but it’s all part of his plan
During performances on the show Tommy and Dick always went backstage to smoke up or write some leftist propaganda or something like that so they never actually saw what was going on. I decided to stay on stage and check it out, what I saw would have blown the native hair beads right off my hair if I’d been into that style back then. During the part of the song where Donovan walks into his plywood mushroom house while playing his guitar, he put on a tape of Bob Dylan to make the audience think he was still playing. Then he put his guitar down and walked backstage to find Tommy and Dick’s pallet of coke. He was helped by a bunch of beatnik thieves not unlike the ones seen in the old Batman TV show.
I was waitin’ for him this time though. I jumped from the staging and landed on his back sending him face first into a pile of coconut cream pies that were to be used for the second act. Donovan would later say that his song “Don’t Think Rice Is Alright” was inspired by the time he was busted by me and went straight.
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