Dog v. Bigfoot Part 2

You may remember that at the beginning of this month I got a call from my agent Doug asking me to do a special for the Sci-Fi Channel tracking down Bigfoot. Our initial attempts to follow up on all of the sightings we’ve been having around here didn’t turn up too much. Mostly because we didn’t make it out of the city, too many damned distractions and a lack of proper sustenance was to blame in my opinion but this time we were going to be ready. In addition to keeping a running log of our adventures I also decided to bring along a tape recorder to record my interviews with the people who saw the mysterious beast. I couldn’t find my regular tape recorder that I always use to remind myself where I parked the SUV at Costco so I had to resort to the first thing I could lay my hands on because I was in a hurry.










Testing 1, 2, Testi- The Cow Says: MOOOOOOOO

05:00 Hours:

Bolted out of bed like a flash, but still quite tired from our Scrabble marathon the night before. Like always, I dressed myself before I went to bed to be extra ready but one of my mace cans must have gotten loose from my belt and Beth must have rolled on it. It burst all over the sheets, no wonder I was dreaming I was in “Honey I Shrunk the Kids” and I fell in a bottle of Clorox. Eyes are as red as beets from the mace. Rip the sheets off bed and sit back down. Flick on the idiot box to wake me up, get distracted by skin flick “Unquenchable Passion 5” on Cinemax. Decide that Bigboobs, I mean Bigfoot, can wait a little longer.






Will nothing quench their passion?









05:05 Hours:

All done with the movie, kick Youngblood off of the couch, a little retribution for cheating on Scrabble. He tricked me into believing “Zaxaquak” was an extinct Turkish reptile. He landed it on a triple word score, still kicking myself for not challenging it. Write reminder on fridge to destroy Scrabble board.

05:45 Hours:

Sandwiches made, by me this time. Leland arrives and asks if it’s cool if his kids go along because his new wife just got a job down at the IHOP workin’ the early bird special and there was no time to find a sitter. I tell Leland to just drop the little spunks off at my house to mingle in with the others. Leland refuses because last time he did that he couldn’t remember which ones were his and he ended up raising two of my kids by mistake for seven months.

06:15 Hours:

All the talk about IHOP and early bird specials got me cravin’ a chocolate chip pancake platter. We roll on out to IHOP and chow down in order to get my daily syrup quota for the day. Quick check of the parking lot turns up no sign of Bigfoot.











How can Bigfoot resist their Rooty Tooty Fresh ‘N Fruity Combo?

07:00 Hours:

Finished eating, didn’t leave tip because waitress asked me if I was one of the Nelson brothers. Get ten miles away from the IHOP and Leland remembers he left one of his kids in the Pancake Playroom at the restaurant. We turn around and find him crying next to the maple syrup slide but calm him down with some more sugar and we’re off once again.

07:45 Hours:

Finally find our first Bigfoot eyewitness. Name is Rick Wickens, he runs a comic book type shop in Honolulu, specializing in Star Wars toys and trading cards from the ‘80s. With cameras rolling we went into to record our first interview:

Dog: Hello…Rick? We called earlier, we’re here to ask you a few questions about Bigfoot.

Rick: Hello, yes, you were supposed to be here three days ago, now I am most inconvenienced. So, if you’ll excuse me I’m in the middle of an online argument. Some nerf herder in Milwaukee thinks the whipcord Boba Fett fires at Luke Skywalker during the battle at the Sarlacc Pit couldn’t withstand more than 105 lbs of pressure in the first place, thus rendering it totally useless, what an idiot!

Youngblood: Just chill brah, we’re here for Bigfoot. Now, stop typing and come on over here, don’t make us mace you.

Dog: That’s enough, Youngblood, I’m in charge here.

Youngblood: Shithead

Dog: What was that?

Youngblood: Nothin’.

Dog: Look Rick, we just need to get a few answers from you regarding your encounter a little while ago. What did you see exactly?

Rick: What I saw, I cannot exactly say. It was like Chewbacca but not like Chewbacca at the same time. What it was my friend, was a mystery wrapped in a conundrum, like Luke and Lea’s relationship in A New Hope.

Dog: Where did you see this Chewbacca?

Rick: I cannot divulge the whereabouts of my person as it is most confidential to me and my significant other, nothing will force the information from me.

Dog: There’s a box of Krispy Kreme’s in it for ya

Rick: I was at the park with my girlfriend

Dog: I’ll throw in some Twizzlers too

Rick: Ok my boyfriend

Dog: And some Teddy Grahams

Rick: Ok I was by myself reading Wonder Woman Issue 75 and pleasuring myself! Vile fiend, now where’s my candy?

Dog: Leland, go take that candy from your kid and give it to Rick. Ok, you were in the park, then what happened?

Rick: Well, I was at the park like I said, and something rammed my Chevette, knocking it all over the place. I felt like commander Adama in Battlestar Galactica defending against a Cylon attack. I’m referring of course to the 1978 version with Lorne Greene not that pile of Abzorbaloff dung that came out in 2003. Sometimes when I think about what those butchers did with that show I get so upse-

Dog: Okay, okay, calm down, here’s your puffer. Can you tell me what happened next?

Rick: That’s it. I got out of the car and it was gone. All that was left was a large tuft of hair stuck in my grill.

Dog: Can I see the hair?

Rick: Of course you may not. I’ve glued it to the head of my life size Dana Scully mannequin, all I need to finish it is an official FBI badge and a set of someone’s eyes. Do you know any females?

Dog: I think we’re done here. We’ll get back to you if we find Bigfoot or anyone willing to take all of those Jobriath LP’s off your hands.

End Recording






Rick on his honeymoon with Darth Gayder






Talking to Rick gave me a migraine the size of New Mexico so we decided to call it quits for the day. So far it’s been close to a total of 38 hours searching and we ain’t got nothin’ to show for it. Normally I’d be afraid of missing all of these deadlines but we’re talking about the Sci-Fi Channel here, so the worst thing they’ll probably do is get the cast of “V” to send me angry letters.