Reboot My Head

I decided to take the day off today, ranting about Al Gore makes my head hurt and I’m still slightly messed up from the Chito Patch. Beth found me this morning making coffee in a frying pan wearing nothing but an oven mitt (not on my hand) and she made me stay home. So, I wrapped myself up in my “Good Times” blanket and settled in front of the ‘ole idiot box. I wanted to watch the eight straight episodes of MacGyver being shown on TBS but I had to wait for Beth to finish her Chuck Norris workout DVD. We got it pretty cheap because it’s in German or Swedish or something and probably pirated too. Beth can’t figure out what he’s sayin’ in the lesson but that don’t matter because Chuck Norris speaks from the gut, and sometimes the fists.





Sprechen Sie Dog?












I made Beth shut the video off though when I saw that the MacGyver episode “Ghost Ship” was on using our picture-in-picture feature. “Ghost Ship” is the one where MacGyver comes across Bigfoot in the Alaskan wilderness and I needed to study MacGyver’s techniques for when I go back into the field after that monster.

Beth made me put her workout video back on when MacGyver finds out that Bigfoot is actually a guy in a suit aimed at distracting MacGyver from evil oil barons. I think I got the gist of it though, I just have to make sure that when I do try to find Bigfoot it’s snowing really hard and the moon is in its “Waning Gibbous” phase. While Beth went back to her workout I decided to work on the MacGyver banner I’ve been making to drape off of the back of our SUV:










The only President to appoint a Swiss Army knife to Secretary of State

You see, MacGyver and I share a common bond, we don’t need guns to get the job done. Where I use bear mace and tasers, Macgyver uses dental floss and spruce gum. I’d like to see George W. stay in the White House just as much as you but until we change the Constitution we need to look ahead. We need a guy who’s responsible, someone who can lead the American people and, if needed, make a homemade land mine using pine cones and a toaster oven.

The only place we stray is that MacGyver truly hated guns where if I had my way I’d have two M-60’s for arms. But MacGyver knows how to survive and I respect that, just like I respect tattoos that look an animal is bursting through your skin. I even pressured Leland to audition for the 2003 WB pilot “Young MacGyver” but the producers said his multiple tattoos and foul language conflicted with Young MacGyver’s persona. Must have conflicted with Young MacGyver’s persona of bein’ a douche-bag if you ask me.







Tune in next week when Young MacGAYver is captured and forced to act his way out of a paper bag.

I was bored with makin’ the MacGyver banner and I had run out of macaroni and glitter anyways so I decided to crank up the ‘ole internet machine and play around some. After a few minutes I cam across the most amazing thing I’d ever seen, it was a baby, but it was dancing! It was dancing all over my screen brah, it couldn’t be stopped. Well, I laughed so hard I coughed up blood which probably wasn’t a good sign but fuckit I’m havin’ too much fun here.





They will NEVER be able to top this





Just then little Gary boy came over and wanted to read up on Harry Potter. I think Harry Potter qualifies as Devil worship, one time I caught Leland playing Dungeons and Dragons and gave him a whoopin’ he’ll never forget. I beat him mostly because of the Devil worship thing but to be honest some of it was just for bein’ a geek. Beth seems to think Harry Potter’s alright so I let him look at it. There was a Harry Potter personality test you could take to see what character you were. Well, I entered in all the info and this is who I came out as:



Dudley Dursley

Self centered, abnoxious eating machine without a magical fibre!


I have no clue who this character is but he looks like he was face first in the butter churn the day God handed out brains.

Next to this was a Harry Potter name generator. I entered in my full name and what I got was…Dean. Dean? What the hell kind of magical fairy land is this supposed to be brah? Watch out! It’s the evil sorcerer/cable installer, Dean! Even I could come up with a better fantasy name then that, I don’t know what those tools are thinkin’ over at Harry Pot-head but they better get their act straight if I’m gonna let little Gary boy keep watchin’.

Next up was the Lord of the Rings personality test and let me tell ya these boys knew what they were doin’:

You are most like Gimli. Most people think you're pretty rough, but you're actually rather sophisticated. Unlike others, you don't need everything to be perfect.







Nothing says sophistication like a fat midget with an axe

Well brother I was on a roll so I decided to try the Pirate name generator, Duane Chapman came out as “Cap’n Hannibal Deadweight” which is a crock of shit because if I was a pirate I’d be known all over the Six Seas for my ferocious crew and my love of boot-ay if you catch my drift.





Yeearr, this be degradin’ says I




Next up was the Rap Star name generator. I came out as “Killer G” which is what I assume every rap star’s name is anyway.

Last but not least I tried out the Jedi name generator. This one was a bit different, it asked me for my first and last name, last name of favorite actor, Norris, of course. It also asked me for my hometown and the name of any prescription drug. I entered in Honolulu and Cialis. It came up with “Chadu Nohan of the planet Cialis”.






I find your lack of brains disturbing




All of this inter-webbing has got me pretty tired so I think I’ll call it a day, plus Beth just interrupted me by giving me one of her special daiquiri drinks. She calls it the Hemmingway Special, it seemed fitting because after I tasted it I wanted to blow my brains out. I don’t know why I bothered trying it because I don’t trust anything attached to the name Ernest Hemmingway after I got duped into buy A Farewell to Arms thinking it was the biography of Def Leppard’s drummer.