I Got Game

I love sports, always have and always will. When we moved to Hawaii I immediately tried to get into surfing but I stopped after I fell off and a wave drove my board into my rectum. I must have looked like a Dog-kebab flyin’ into the beach that day. Man oh man did people laugh, Youngblood still tells jokes about it but not when I’m around because he knows I’ll flip out. I always catch the end of the joke so I don’t know how it goes but all I ever hear is “Rectum? Damn near killed ‘em!” Everyone always laughs their asses off but to be honest I don’t even understand it so I’ll just have to assume that everyone I know is an idiot.

I didn’t really want to get into surfing anyway. I couldn’t stand the people involved and I knew it would only be a matter of time before I would be forced to drag them away to jail for snortin’ toilet bowl cleaner or something like that because those guys were idiots. I would ask for surfing advice and Todd or Rodd or Fagg or whatever he was called at the surf shop would say “Duuuude, you gotta just like….Duuuuude”. I figured if I wanted to get in good with this bunch I’d have to have ¾ of my brain removed but considering I did cocaine everyday for 12 years I’m assuming a Cat-Scan would show that my brain looks like Swiss cheese already so these guys must be really fucked in the head.


















Duuude, hope you can put “killer wipeout” on your resume

After ditching surfing I decided that I wanted to stay near the water so I would fit in more so I tried scuba diving out. The lessons were pretty rough, mainly because I lied to the instructor and told him I was an expert swimmer. The reality is I haven’t been in the water since I went to the movies to see Jaws in 1975. That’s part of the reason why surfing didn’t work out but I was determined to overcome my fears. For a long time there I couldn’t even take a bath without lining the tub with 2x6 boards. One time we were all in Disneyland and I was tricked into taking the Jaws ride thinking it was a water version of “It’s a Small World”. When that shark jumped out of the water and attacked the boat I freaked out and threw Beth into its mouth to buy me some while I assembled my home made shotgun, the pieces of which I’d hidden in various parts of my body. By the time the gun was put together they had shut the ride down and explained to me that it was all mechanical. Boy was my face red, they had to disassemble the shark in order to pry Beth out and we were banned from the ride for life.















You win this round, mechanical monster

As I was saying, the scuba lessons were rough because I swam like a blind amputee and I was terrified of the water. Plus, my weight belt got caught onto someone else’s belt in the training pool. I had a mild panic attack and used the poor bastard as a flotation device. I felt pretty bad but once he was resuscitated he was cool with it.

After I had graduated from “Water Lily” I was able to head out into the real ocean to test out my newfound skills. I was pretty scared at first but once I got down there I was able to relax a little bit. I was pretty bummed though because Beth realized she couldn’t dive due to the fact she’s so top-heavy. Her bosom buddies make her float like a cork if you know what I mean. Anyway, things were going pretty well at first, I was checkin’ out the coral reefs and all that.

Then I stepped on what the doctors would tell me was called a scorpion fish. I don’t know if anyone out there has ever fallen into one of those Vietnamese spike pits but I doubt it can be as painful as stepping on a scorpion fish. It hurt so much I flew backwards puncturing my air tank on the coral reef behind me. The tank exploded and the pressure shot me to the surface and then 35 feet into the air like a missile from a submarine.













Welcome to the soon- to-be-endangered species list

I would later hear one of the locals say I looked like George Jetson if he lived in a trailer park. The only thing that saved me really was that when I shot into the air I collided with a para-sailer and we both glided to safety after his 30 minutes ran out. What really sucked is that when we landed the guy who ran the para-sailing rides charged me for a full ride even though I clearly was only up there for half of it.

I think there should be warning signs put wherever those little bastards live because I wouldn’t wish that pain on my worst enemy. Once I got my hearing back I went to the local Member of Parliament to complain but he didn’t think making 50 foot poles with signs on them would be financially possible. Then he got all preachy and explained to me how a fish doesn’t stay in the same spot its whole life bla bla bla, I zoned out quicker then I do when Beth yells at me for leaving my socks in the kitchen sink.

I don’t have much time for sports these days but I’ll always remember my surfing and scuba diving days with a smile and searing pain in my rectum and right foot.