It’s all true and don’t you forget it
Where was I? Oh yeah, Alfred. So he calls me in the middle of my favorite show telling me he had information on a few more of my relatives. I said great, let me have it but make it quick because they’re cutting open this fat fucker on TV Alfred and I wanna see that tumor because this is The Learning Channel and I’m trying to educate my kids. Alfred wanted to know if it was the one where they take out the tumor but accidentally remove the guy’s intestines as well and his guts are all wrapped around it like spaghetti on a meatball. I turned the TV off then because Alfred had just ruined the ending for me. It really upset the kids and Beth as well because it’s the only hour a week we set aside for learnin’.
Yes, you too can star on The Learning Channel
Alfred apologized and said the ending wasn’t that good anyway, they end up successfully removing the tumor and the guy makes a full recovery so it wasn’t worth watchin’ I guess. Alfred told me to meet him at the all night Denny’s down the road. When I got there I asked him why he was wearing a rubber Richard Nixon mask. He said I had no idea how fierce the competition was between restaurant chains. If anyone at Denny’s found out he worked for Jack-In-The-Box they’d poison his food. Even so, Alfred made me test his food for him and then spit it back onto his plate because he said he paid for the food and he was damn well gonna get his money’s worth.
After telling Alfred to hurry the hell up with his information he finally produced it. The files were wrapped in tin foil because Alfred said yellow folders gave him a rash. The files told the story of another one of my ancestors. This on lived in Ancient Rome during the 8th century B.C. Turns out he was a slave and assistant to Marius, head of the Roman military during the First Triumvirate, the most bitchin’ of all Triumvirates (Alfred actually wrote that in). His name was Testiclees and Alfred told me he had gotten an artist to conduct a rendition of what he should have looked like using Testiclees’ ancient personal diary:
People were a lot shorter back then
Turns out Alfred’s “artist” was his three year old nephew but I decided to keep the drawing anyway so I could put it on the fridge and pretend my kids had other activities other than shoving dog shit into the VCR. Moving on, I found out that Marius had acquired Testiclees after he had noticed his prowess in the Coliseum. Testiclees wasn’t a gladiator, he was serving ancient drinks to the nobility in the ancient skybox one day when he tripped and fell into the fighting area, landing on the head of the man Marius had bet against. The man Testiclees fell on was beheaded with ease and he became the hero of the day.
From that day on Marius wouldn’t let him leave his side, including his bedroom. Yep, turns out one of my relatives was queer bait to a horny army general. Well, I shouldn’t really say one of my relatives because I know of an uncle who shows up every third family reunion or so and demands that we call him “Mrs. Gingersnaps” but we all try to forget about that.
Who would’ve known?
Apparently Testiclees saved up enough working for Marius and turning tricks on the side to buy his freedom which was immediately revoked after it was discovered he’d been blackmailing Marius with hard evidence that proved he was straight. Testiclees couldn’t bear being a slave any longer and drowned himself in the annual offering to the Quetype, the God of earwax, which was of course bull urine.
I had decided that was enough history for one night. Alfred told me I would have to pay for the meal because he was allergic to American currency and he didn’t have enough Czech Korunas on him to pay for anything more than a sugar packet. I didn’t care though, I just wanted to get out of there so I wouldn’t miss my second favorite show on TLC: “The History of Feces”.
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