The Dog's Blog: An Inconvenient Toot

No, I'm not talking about the one I cut at the White House Correspondents' Dinner a few weeks back, although that was pretty embarrassing. I'm talking about Albert Arnold Liar Liar Pants on Fire Gore's b.s. movie about global warming. I don't know what offended me more, Gore's phony baloney stories of dragons flying out of the ocean and chewing the heads off of anyone who lives near a coastline, or Gore expecting me not to fall asleep while he stood in front of a giant computer screen flapping his pink Tennessee gums for two hours. You shoulda put it to song buddy boy, more people would've listened. Before I say anything else though I ask you to watch this:

Water World Intro on something called YouTube...wait, isn't that the band that sings 'Mysterious Ways'? (Also, a warning: It's in Frog, so if you can understand it that means you're a Benedict Arnold. No matter about the language...it's the visuals that Gore stole)

Pretty imaginative there Al. You took the first two minutes of a sci-fi classic and made a real-life tragedy out of it. Costner, I'll deal with you later - long hair, leather vest and pants, bronzed skin, fake aboriginal jewelry, who you trying to kid son? Send a fan note next time, it'll save you a lawsuit - but Gore! You ain't getting off that easy.

The sentences for identity theft are stiffer than you think big shot

If you were a politician in the 1950s, we'd all be plowing our way to the center of the earth with Pat Boone right now. I can just see you standing up on screen with dirt across your face, wearing goggles, and saying, "Discovering Atlantis inside the Earth's core isn't a liberal or a conservative problem. It's a human problem. We need to cross the floor and work together in locating The Sub-Mariner."

No doubt Al Gore's favorite movie growing up

Or how about the movie Them? After watching it, you'd be ready to run on a campaign of pulling out of Iraq in order to prepare for the more serious threat of giant mutant ants attacking the United States. It really gets my goat that I get accused of being unreasonable because I believe every unborn American baby is a citizen of the U.S.A. the second a family discusses planned parenthood and that commies of any age should die as soon as possible, but at least I don't base my facts on the movies. Or more to the point, I base my facts on movies that actually make sense, like Die Hard and Rambo and Total Recall. Last time I checked, the horse manure detector in this old noggin' was working just fine, and Mr. Gore, your movie is no Total Recall.

Better protect Tipper from the giant mutant ants...the giant mutant ants in your head

Thinking back, I betcha crazy old Uncle Al was behind all that talk in the '80s about holes in the ozone layer, and how they wouldn't let the Olympics be held in Antarctica because there was an ozone layer hole causing problems and besides Antarctica didn't have its own Olympic ring anyways and all that sort of talk though I might have made the Olympics part up, but I for one knew right away that all this talk of ozone holes was hooey. How did I know? Because there's no such thing as the ozone layer, that's how! If a doctor told you that your fifth testicle was swollen, you wouldn't worry because you don't have a fifth testicle, so how do these liberals get away with it? (Which reminds me, The Dog gives a big shout out to all my fans who watch Dog the Bounty Hunter on channel Kiev 96 near Chernobyl...how you all doing?)

Anywhere, anytime buddy

Believe me, if global warming was real, the Dog would be worried about it more than anyone. Look at me: I live on the islands of Hawaii, the melanocytes in my skin are holding hands just trying to stay together, and this leather get-up of mine is unbearably fucking hot to begin with let alone if temperatures started going up even more. You can trust me on this one Dog fans, you have nothing to worry about. You'll know global warming is real the day I open a bounty hunting shop on the top of Mount Everest because it's the only land left above water, I start using motor oil as suntan lotion, and I start chasing tweakers while wearing nothing but Speedos and cowboy boots. Until then, you're fine.

Yeah, I thought so

Meantime, Al, just keep stacking your lies up like pancakes, and I'll keep pouring sweet syrup over them and eating them for breakfast each morning with bacon, eggs, and coffee. And now I'm off to rent Supersize Me. I hear it's about Mickie D's being bad for your health. Heh Heh, what will these liberals think of next?