This is Your Captain Speaking

To give back to the Honolulu community, I often volunteer myself to various functions around town on weekends. A few weeks back I judged a Captain Planet look-a-like contest. I don’t buy all this environmental hooey, but the kids seem to like Captain Planet, so I figured it couldn’t hurt anybody. If you aren’t familiar with Captain Planet, he’s like an ‘80s cross between Liza Minnelli and Tygra from the Thundercats cartoon. Pollution, smog, and toxic waste is like Kryptonite to Captain Planet, and it can kill him. This makes him a grade A puss in my books, and I don’t understand how someone with green hair and blue skin doesn’t already have an overload of toxins in their body, but again, it’s all for the kids so I just shut up and do my judging. Personally, I think it would be good for the Captain to hit a city like L.A. and get some car exhaust in his lungs to put some hair on his yellow-globed chest, but whatever. You can’t tell these ozone-huggers anything.













The first contestant was stiffer than Youngblood at a local strip joint, with a face so botoxed he couldn’t even frown when I told him he looked like the biggest fruit in the entire Captain Planet basket. Don’t get me wrong, I like beauty, but if it ain’t natural it ain’t worth it. Bringing Ted Turner along was a cheap tactic, though I gained an appreciation for saving the planet from Turner’s presence, because if we don’t start preserving our planet now we won’t be able to dig up fossils like the ex-Mrs. Jane Fonda for contests like this one.














Contestant two must have dressed in the parking lot of the museum where the contest was held, because if he had to walk more than two hundred feet wearing that thing he’d have encountered at least three ass whoopings along the way. Everyone more or less looked like Captain P. on this day, but this particular guy brought the dweebiness of his get up out more than anyone else. The bully at this kid’s school will be salivating if this pic ever gets out, and frankly I was tempted to beat his ass myself just on principle.














Ted Kennedy’s skin doesn’t look this blue after a weekend bender in The Hamptons. What the heck is going on here? Your hair is supposed to resemble Captain Planet’s, not K.D. Lang’s circa Constant Craving. The brightness of this contestants’ get-up is only topped by the dimness of the contestant himself. And carrying a laptop around with you doesn’t make you look any smarter, dumbass.


















Gore, the shades aren’t fooling anyone. I know it’s you. And even if the disguise did work, bringing Tipper along as your cheering section gives you away cold. Here’s an Inconvenient Truth: you just locked up last place in this look-a-like contest.


















Okay, this is just lazy. Your hair is brown, you’re wearing cross-trainers, I’m pretty sure at least two/thirds of your costume is made from an altered baseball uniform, and everyone knows Captain Planet played the contrabass not the saxophone in his high school band, moron. Do some research before half-assedly entering a look-a-like contest.

The winner:














Sure, this guy is only wearing a green wig, some red gloves and a t-shirt, and he didn’t even make an effort to colour his skin blue, but if nothing else Captain Planet is about two things: slugging beer and poontang. This dude may not have the look, but he’s got Captain Planet’s spirit and love of partying down in spades. And after a long day of mending branches on saplings or whatever it is Captain P. does for a living, who doesn’t want to relax with a harem of enviro-hos?