If I Could Just Say A Few Words

It was a special day yesterday. My youngest kid, Wesley, finally passed the fifth grade after only three tries. At least I think he’s my youngest. I haven’t bothered to check yet and lets face it, there’s a pretty good chance I’ve got a little “pup” living in every time zone in America so it’s not really fair to say Wesley’s my youngest. We named him Wesley after Dr. Wesley McClaren, Steven Seagal’s character in “The Patriot”. You know, I think Segal is a Dr. in real life. I heard he got it in tai kwon do or maybe he got one of those combined degrees in Zen and the art of motorcycle maintenance or something. Anyway, Beth was almost ready to pop at the time but we were so excited about there being a new Seagal movie out we just couldn’t help ourselves. At first I thought Beth was being affected by the intense action scenes but sure enough, she was doing the labor ‘thang’ right there in the theatre. I tried to jump up and get some help but my feet were stuck to the floor so I delivered little Wesley using the only thing I had available at the time, two drink straws and a 5 lb box of Junior Mints.

Wesley’s birth was bittersweet because on one hand we had a new son but on the other hand I missed the ending to The Patriot. Now, don’t anyone get smart and e-message me the ending because I finally got a copy of it on the DVD. Youngblood gave me a copy of it a few years ago on VHS but half way through it had been taped over with a five hour marathon of Bass Masters and once again I was screwed over.


















Dr. Seagal performing open heart “shreddery”

What was really special about Wesley passin’ the 6th grade was that his principle, Mr. Roach, asked me to give a speech at the little graduation ceremony the kids were havin’. I get a kick out Mr. Roach’s name, every time we have parent teacher night I always ask him if he’s feelin’ burned out or how his little “clips” at home are doin’. It’s weird but I haven’t seen him at parent teacher night for a while, I’ll have to look into that. So on the way over to the school Beth was giving me a hard time about my driving as usual. She always says my hands should be at “10 and 2”. Well, I go by the 24 clock only so I don’t have a clue what she’s even talking about. Me, I keep one hand at 08:00 Hours and that’s it. The other hand I need free to do important things like smoking, reading Field and Stream, eating two Wendy’s Classic Triple Cheeseburgers combined or emphasizing my love for eating two Wendy’s Classic Triple Cheeseburgers combined.





Once you unhinge your jaw it’s a cakewalk




Before we went to the school I wanted to make a quick stop at “Bargain Bob’s Bargain Basement” to pick up some mink oil for my boots. Bobs’ is located in the attic of an old munitions factory. I didn’t know it but apparently Hawaii was involved with World War Two somehow, you learn somethin’ new everyday. Bargain Bob’s isn’t really the first place I’d shop, in fact it’s horrible. It combines the customer service of Canadian Tire with the family-friendly atmosphere of an Old West whorehouse.

I know about Canadian Tire because I once took the family on a trip to Niagara Falls. I found out too late that I could’ve seen the falls from the U.S. side but that’s a story for another time. Anyway, we were taking in all of the wonders of the area around Niagara Falls, from rock legend wax museums to serial killer wax museums and wax wax museums, it had it all. Anyway, long story short the tire blew on my ’83 Phoenix and I figured a place called Canadian Tire would have a tire to fit a fucking automobile but after 2 hours at the customer service counter I just gave up and we rode the dummy tire back to Colorado. I couldn’t understand what those commies were sayin’ anyway with their “eh’s” and “aboots” and “socialized healthcare”.


















Look honey, its Nicole Kidman if she didn’t eat for three years

Once we got to the school I was gettin’ kind of nervous so I did what I always do when I’m nervous, I eat a Baby Ruth followed by a little “shnort” of Snakebite cocktail. I was feeling a little more confident but I had heartburn like a bastard. In spite of this I think the speech went off pretty well, here it is:

“Good evening ladies and gents and all the little tater tots out there. First of all I’d like to say thanks to Mr. Roach for lettin’ me come out here tonight. Where are ya, Roachy? There he is, hi Roachy, why don’t you come up here with me and we can make this a joint effort? Hehehehe *cough* Jesus Christ this heartburn is crazy, Beth, toss me up a Tums will ya? Thanks babe…’scuze me a sec I just gotta wash this down. Is this water? You didn’t spike it did ya Roachy? Ok, I’m ready now. Kids…tonight is your night, a night to celebrate with your family and friends, a night to throw caution to the wind. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do though. I don’t know what that would be because you see I was once what your mommies and daddies might call a Grade A fuckup. I would do pretty much anything for money, one time I ate a pack of cigarettes for 7 bucks so I could feed my crippling nicotine addiction. That’s they way life goes kids, one day your swinging like a little monkey from the jungle jim and playin’ your Nintendo machines and the next your shooting drain cleaner into your scrotum just to get a fix. Now, I’m not sayin’ all of you are gonna end up like that but lets not kid each other, Honolulu’s education system is pretty much on par with Cold War Russia, do the math is all I’m sayin'. Hopefully you kids will steer clear of the hooch and get good jobs. Believe me, you don’t want to end up in the clink. Let me give ya a little glimpse into life on the inside. First of all, if you’re under 180 pounds, you're gonna be somebody’s bitch. Now, if you don’t understand what I’m talkin’ about I’m sure your parents will fill you in on the way home. Secondly, you’re gonna need to get your hands on some contraband in order to make friends and stay alive. Drugs are your best form of currency. You can make homemade PCP using some WD-40, Turtle Wax and a little elbow grease. Lastly, never snitch to the Screws, tattletales in prison get more then a pat on the hiney, they get gutted from eyes to asshole. Nobody wants to see that happen to any of you, I know I sure don’t. I like this, I like coming out to gigs like this and talkin’ turkey with you guys, you’re an alright bunch. I’d like to finish by telling you that even though I don’t believe in global warming, I’m pretty sure God is furious at us for letting gays into the military and to punish us, he is causing the icecaps to melt. So, you might want to find out a way for all of us to live in trees or something because we're gonna be balls high in filthy water by 2040. Goodnight and keep on rockin’ in the free world".

I thought it went pretty well, I gave a wink to 'ole Roachy on the way out, I'm sure he'll have me back next year just by how proud he looked as I was leaving.