Most people will say, “Dog, how can you function on only one hour of sleep a night?” And I always reply the same way: mind your own damn business, just because I signed a contract to put me and my family in front of millions of people on TV every night and get paid a boatload of money to do so doesn’t give you the right to know anything about me. But I’m feelin’ generous this evening, so I’ll tell ya. I don’t function, simple as that. Not many people know this but for the first few seasons of the show I sleepwalked through 90% of the busts that I carried out, that’s how good I am. There you have it, another little nugget from the goldmine that is The Dog.
I was totally out for this photo, snoozing like a baby
Back to the kids, the reason we got to sit down and watch Poltergeist is because I discovered a great way to get the kids excited about bedtime: Nyquil. I just line them all up and tell them it’s time for their medicine. When a few get smart and tell me that they aren’t sick I tell them that our drinking water is poisoned and this is the only antidote. About 30 minutes later the kids are passed out on the floor, on the stairs, all over the house. It’s like my own little Jonestown.
After I scoop up all the kids with a snow shovel and dump them in their beds I can lie back on the couch with my feet up and flick through the channels until I fall asleep. As I was sayin’, the other night we decided to watch Poltergeist. Beth thought the movie was still pretty scary after all these years but I couldn’t stop laughing at the poor effects and I also kept rooting for Craig T. Nelson’s death just like I did back in ’82 when I went to the theatre to see it. I tell ya, if shit started moving around by itself around here I’d be going around with my Black and Decker nail gun and have that little problem taken care of in 10 minutes, 15 tops.
Oh I’d be all over that
The movie got us talkin’ about ghosts and spirits and such. We looked through our old photos from our vacation to San Jose when we went to the haunted Winchester Mansion. I didn’t like that place one bit. First of all, if you’re gonna build a staircase, have it actually go somewhere. I was trotting up the stairs looking back to yell at one of my kids and I put my head through three inches of redwood flooring. The doctors couldn’t get some of the splinters out because they said they were lodged too far into my head. Luckily the workers told me that they don’t use toxic floor varnish so I’m cool with havin’ a little bit of the California forest in my noggin. And what’s up with the number 13 in that place? Sarah Winchester thought 13 was a lucky number but don’t tell Beth that, if she even thinks about us having a 13th kid I’ll perform my own colostomy or whatever that operation is that makes you not want to have sex again. Sarah Winchester even made her gardeners prune a tree into the shape of a 13, something I wish I’d known before I tried to straighten it out for them.
Beth also likes to watch that show Most Haunted which comes on the PMS channel on Friday nights. I tried watching it a few times but it takes places in England or Britain, I’m not sure which. I don’t speak “tea biscuit” so I can never figure out if the people are possessed or drunk or stoned or what.
You got hosed on that contracting job, Mrs. Winchester
I’m not saying I don’t believe in ghosts, it’s just that I know that if you die you’re either going to Heaven or Hell, it’s that simple. If people from Hell wanted to talk to us they’d be real clear about it. I don’t think people from Heaven give a rat’s ass about communicatin’ because Heaven is so bitchin’. Hell, if I died today and went to Heaven to find out that Budweiser was always on tap and the only food was Arby’s Ham and Swiss Melt I’d be like, screw the living, I’m home boys.
I regret having this conversation with Beth because it put the idea into her brain that our house might be haunted. It came to a head when she snapped a picture of one of our kids and thought there was an actual ghost in the picture.
Guess which one won’t be going to college? The answer is both
Even though I tried to calm her down, Beth demanded that we get a Medium in here to see if our house was haunted. I got Leland and Youngblood over to the house to see the fun. When Lady Rowena showed up I thought I’d have some fun with her. I asked her how long it took her to get from a Small to a Medium. Then she threw holy water in my face and “holy” shit did it burn. Oh man, she started walking around the house chanting and snorting and all this crap. Then she hauls out this squeegee board or something and made us all sit around with our hands on a plastic triangle waiting for something to happen. We recorded it so we could listen to what the ghosts were saying:
Lady Rowena: It is important that only I speak during the séance, please remain serious and respectful. No laughter is allowed. Remember, the spirits may appear as many forms, be aware of strange scents, sounds and even feelings. If at any point anyone feels scared, I can protect you with the bell, the steel and the salt in the fire.
Dog: When are we gonna start?
Beth: Duane shut up, she said no talking, oh, sorry Lady Rowena.
Lady Rowena: It is okay, I haven’t invoked the sacred incantation
Dog: I smell something strange coming from Youngblood’s area. Smells like fish and chips, better call Ernie Hudson quick!
Youngblood: Hey, whoever smelt it dealt it Duane
Lady Rowena: Please, I asked you to take this seriously, no joking allowed.
Dog: Well you better get used to it, pretty much everything I say is a joke. Except that, and that, and that, and that, and that, and tha-
Lady Rowena: Enough! You are angering the spirits, we must be very…what are you doing? Please don’t try to smoke that, its incense!
Leland: Sorry
Dog: Hey Leland, this magic board is telling me that you should go get me a smoke and a Miller Light
Leland: Bullshit, I think it’s telling you to go fu-
Lady Rowena: Ok, ok, let’s begin. Is there anyone from your family that you wish to get into contact with?
Dog: Yes, my great great grandma. She was a great person
Lady Rowena: Ok, that’s a start, what was her name Duane?
Dog: Anita
Lady Rowena: Anita what?
Dog: Hanchob, it’s a Dutch name.
Lady Rowena: Oh, Anita Hanchob, are you with us this evening? Anita Hanchob, I ask you to come forth….Anita Hanchob, Anita Hanchob!
Dog: Geez lady if yer that desperate why don’t you try the personal ads?
Lady Rowena: I’ve had enough of this, I feel sorry for the ghosts.
Dog: Come back, I think the zipper on my pants is possessed and needs a goin’ over!
Try cleansing yourself of that attitude problem, Lady Rowena
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