Take My Wife, Please

I decided to sign Beth up for that show on ABC, Wife Swap. I thought it was time to mix it up a little in our lives. It’s a win-win situation. She gets to experience how other people live in a fresh, new environment and I get to live for a week without having her screeching, excessively loud voice burrowing its way into my brain. The fun part was, she didn’t realize she was going on her little trip to Hickory Ridge, Arkansas. Actually, I had forgotten I’d signed her up at all, it was almost a week ago so can you blame me? So I’m just sitting there watching Maude like I always do at 3:00pm on a Sunday and the phone rings. The guy says he’s from ABC and that my audition tape I sent in of Beth was a success. I almost told this goof I’d be AB-Seein’ him later because I was drawing a total blank. Then, like so many of acid flashbacks, it all came roaring home.

The audition tape I’d sent in of Beth was the one where we were playing badminton in the backyard and I was as drunk as Dean Martin so I’d wrapped myself all up in the net trying to do one of my signature spikes where I spin in the air, spike the shuttlecock at my opponent and then scream “Want some mayo? ‘Cause you just ATE it sista! WHOOOOO!” Anyway, I never got the opportunity to show that off in the first place because I was so hammered I got tangled in the net like Toby McGuire must do when he gets all drunk on power and slaps Kirsten Dunce around. Beth got so pissed when I ruined the net she rolled me up in it, poured my bottle of Jim Beam all over me and tried to light me on fire.







Don't hate the playa, hate the net




Luckily I was already on the ground and in a rolling position so I had the ‘ole Stop Drop & Roll thing three quarters complete. Unfortunately I forgot the sequence they went so I was trying to stand up so I could stop and then drop but then I couldn’t figure out where the Roll came in and the tag on the net was written in Spanish so that was no help at all. After a few swift kicks to the groin Beth put me out with water from the kiddy pool which was 90% urine. Then the fire department had to come and cut me out of the net because it had gotten all tangled up in my hair and I gotta tell ya, this ‘do is like the Bermuda Triangle after I’m finished maximizing it’s potential every morning.

So yeah, the camera was recording all of this and the guy from ABC said that Beth was the kind of person they wanted. She was funny, outrageous and could possibly kill with her mind, or her boobs. Or her mind and her boobs, if those two forces ever teamed up it’d be like her mind is Tango and her boobs is Cash. They’d be totally unstoppable is what I’m trying to say. That tape isn’t a good indicator of how Beth is today, back then she was down right mean and often disturbed by messages she claimed to be getting through the waffle iron. Then we figured out the waffle iron was made of led and we trashed it. Now she doesn’t get appliance related messages and I can speak for our entire block when I say that’s a good thing.





"I've come from the Underworld to say...use more Pam"










So, as I was sayin, Beth had no clue she was going to live with this other family for a week. She had to catch an early flight so I woke her up at 4:00 am with the bed surrounded by her suitcases and yelled “Happy Anniversary Baby!”. It could’ve been our real anniversary, the hell if I know. As it is, I’ve got to remember so many birthdays with these kids and ex wives that I think Hallmark should start paying a finder’s fee. Beth didn’t really know what was going on but I dressed her and made her breakfast, which consisted of a Red Bull and pack of gum. I gave her the ticket to Arkansas, shoved her in the cab and she was off. My next job was to get all of the kids out of the house, if I’m gettin’ a new woman for a week I want her to do my chores, not feed my stupid kids. To get them out of the house I told them that Disneyland had moved to the old warehouse district on the south end of town. Three more cabs later and the house was mine. Genius, thy name is Dog.

Before my new maid or whatever she was arrived, I decided to make a list of things that I like to do and have done for me. Now, these aren’t necessarily the things Beth would do for me but the new broad won’t know that so I’m in the clear. Here’s the list I made up, starting with the morning routine.

6:00am

• Wake Dog up with foot, back or crotch massage, your choice

• Make Dog breakfast in bed, A 4-egg omelet, 10 pieces of bacon, 4 sausages, hash browns a carafe of orange juice and a toy like you get at McDonald’s. (Lumber is in shed to make toy)

7:00 am

• Dress Dog, you must wear the cowboy boots a minimum of 4 hours before you put them on him so his feet don’t get sore.

• Dog likes to have the important parts of the newspaper read to him while he watches the sports scores on television, start with reading the sports scores, then the comics, followed by any cars for sale under $1,500 and then explain to him the cartoon on the editorial page.

















HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

You get the idea, the list goes on into the early morning of the next day and involves buffing the corns on my feet and waxing my nipples so they don’t chafe on the bed sheets.

When Mrs. Haverlock showed up though I knew I was going to have trouble. She was a crazy environmentalist who ran one of those organic food shops where you pay $30 for a box of gravel and they call it cereal. I showed her my list and she showed me her Henna tattoo of the rainforest that covered her entire back. I asked her if she thought the list looked fair and she put me in some sort of Vulcan death grip and I woke up four hours later on a yoga mat in the lotus position.

Within the first few days I stood my ground with her but I gotta be honest, by Wednesday I was doing the laundry and cooking her meals. She almost got me to say I hated George W. but it’d take a lot more than a hippie fruitcake to commit treason. In the end I decided I’d had enough granola for an eternity and decided to go find my kids in the warehouse district. I haven’t heard from Beth so I’ll assume she’s either getting on fine or is currently being banned from Arkansas for life.