Summertime Booze

Now that summer has reared it’s ugly, swollen head, it’s time for me to start finding things for my kids to do while they’re home. Luckily for me, many of my kids are stupid so about 1/3 of them are attending summer school which is great news for me. And if the movies have taught us anything about summer school, I’m sure they’ll be having a great time with their laid back teacher learning to drive, watching The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, killing fish and trying to bang Kirsty Alley. That is, if the crusty old Vice Principal doesn’t get in their way. I hate that Vice Principal so much you have no idea. Luckily for him he dropped off the face of the planet in 1988, otherwise I’d use some company time to track him down and teach him a few things, get it?

Getting teens to go outside and do fun activities is near impossible these days. What, with their Intendo’s and Atari’s and easy access computer porn, it’s a wonder they don’t become allergic to the sun. Hell, with the easy access porn thing it’s a wonder I don’t go blind. I still remember when that Pamela Anderson video made it to the web and I gave myself Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.

Venturing into the great outdoors has become something that people just don’t want to do, like filing taxes or watching Canadian Idol. Watching Canadian Idol after the American Idol season ends is like going to see the Yankees play the Red Sox at Fenway Park and when the game is over your friend turns to you and says, “Hey, I know what we can do next, lets go watch a pitching machine shoot baseballs at a backstop for three hours”.

Therefore, I’ve decided to beat the heat this summer. And by that I mean find things for my kids to do so I don’t purchase a grenade launcher and put myself and my entire neighborhood out of its misery by July 4th. Here they are, I was going to list them in order of least to most dangerous but that takes time and it’s not like I’m a fucking librarian or something so they’re just in random order.

1. Paint Daddy’s Truck

I’ve been thinking of getting a new paint job for the ole Ford Ranger. Instead of paying some doofus who argues with his retarded father all day to do it like they show on tv, I’ll just get my kids to do it. I’m thinking something sleek, sexy and military. I’ve given the kids a rough outline of what I want. Well, I just showed them a picture of that truck that Tango and Cash drive at the end of the movie to break into the evil compound. I figured that would be close enough.










Now I’ll be able to drive to the X-Rated theatre without anyone knowing

2. Re-design our kitchen

I was going to try and have that human migraine Ty Pennington come over and redo our entire kitchen but I don’t want him coming here all rum dum and covering our walls in pink elephants and purple daisies, no thank you. I know with the right tools the kids can do a stand up job. The tools I gave them by the way were a crowbar, a bag of Spicy Nacho Ranch Doritos and a box of crayons.






You can eat off the floor





3. Dig a pool

This one is simple. I want a pool by August 1st and it better be dug before then. I don’t think it will be too hard to dig out a 35’ x 40’ pool that’s 12’ deep all the way through. I don’t have time for the shallow end. Shallow ends are for wussies and momma’s boys. I guess wussies are momma’s boys but you get my drift. Once when I was younger and a bit more buff, I tried to show this chick my signature dive at the public pool. It’s the one where I jump into the air and moon everyone around me in mid air, get my shorts back up and do a perfect dive that would get at least a 9.5 from the Korean judges. I call it the Moonman. Anyway, it was so sunny and hot I forgot which end of the pool I was on and I dove face first into a foot and half of tepid water. I fully recovered but my nose was permanently damaged from it, that and the 4 pounds of coke I snorted in 1978.




That rebar might pose a challenge to the Moonman




4. Shingle my roof

Standing on a roof in 145 degree heat teaches kids important life lessons about hard work and dehydration. Also, because my roof is currently shingled with aluminum tiles, it poses an extra challenge. I’m on top of it though, I’ve bought nine pairs of Blue Blocker sunglasses so the glare doesn’t make any of the little shits fall off. Kids know their rights nowadays and the last thing I need is for one of my own kids to sue me. I already owe little Ralphie $300 from that online Texas Hold ‘Em tournament.




How those kids got a hold of a bulldozer is a mystery




5. Build me a deck

Every home needs a deck. I’ve asked the kids to make a multi-tiered one. The top layer is for eating and possibly a few games of Pictionary and the lower level will contain a hot tub. One of those ones with a built in stereo and a slot for heated towels. Because nothing says relaxation like a hot bubbling bath with KMFDM cranking out of the speakers at 6:00am on a Sunday.











Ok, this time try attaching it to the house

Hopefully, I can get them to start on these projects before September. If they don’t, I’ll just drink myself blind and try to forget my kids are about as worthless as the brakes on Lindsay Lohan’s many jewel encrusted cars.