You've Got Dogmail

I’ve taken some time out of my really busy schedule to upload some more of your internet postcards or e-mailings or whatever the hell they’re called. I have to tell you, I liked it a whole lot better when these things just came in paper form through the little slot in your door. That was back in the day when a dollar could buy you a pack of gum and a smile and computers were only used by NASA eggheads playing with their little race cars on the surface of Uranus. Heheheh that was a little double-ensemble there. I guess receiving mail through the computer has some advantages though. You can’t get bombed through the computer, for one. I haven’t gotten a letter bomb in a while but I always issue this warning, don’t ever piss off L.L. Bean, they are a ruthless bunch of Nazis. I don’t even feel safe typing about them right now. They have eyes everywhere. One minute you’re jazzed about buying new snorkeling gear, the next you’re suckin’ in defective plastic particles because you put down a fake zip code on their customer survey card.

Anyway, another upside to receiving internet mail is that your wife can’t have sex with everyone who sends them in like she did with the regular mail guy and then the kids walked in on them and she told them they actually had two daddies and I come home all beat to shit one morning to find Carl the mail guy making breakfast in my leather vest and I swear to Christ if my brain doesn’t shoot from my nose like Old Faithful from a massive aneurysm call Billy Graham because it will be a fucking miracle.




L.L. Bean's WMD's




Phew, feels good to get that off of the ole chest cavity, feels right, ya know? Now lets sweep it under the mohair rug for a little while. The reason why I decided to answer more emails is because there’s been kind of a lull on television lately. I’ve been watching The History Channel like crazy though. I love that channel, not as much as TLC but it’s a close second. I like how The History Channel doesn’t ask tough questions. It just does what it’s supposed to do, pat us on the back for a job well done since we ran those Australian jackboots out of town in the 5th century. I guess I should say 5th century A.D., but I never understood why we put “After Dinosaurs” on those dates anyway, I thought they all died off during that Spanish flu that happened way back before people started writing things down.

Now one of my kids is telling me you’re supposed to put “C.E.” after those dates so you don’t offend anyone. What? Are people still upset about the dinosaurs croaking? So, you mean to tell me if I do my “Lickalotofpuss” lesbian dinosaur joke during my standup routine I have to add a “Sorry, too soon?” when I’m finished? Jesus people, get over it. I guess C.E. must stand for “Computer’s Everywhere” but I’m going to stick with A.D. because this world is just moving way too fast for me.














C.E. should be changed to P.E. for 'Porn Everywhere'

Back to The History Channel, the programming on that thing is just awesome, plain and simple. They have a really wide range of topics with shows like “The Secret Life of Hitler”, “Hitler’s Secret’s Revealed” and “Hitler and Victoria’s Secret: The Secret Comes Out”. Without The History Channel I don’t think people would fully understand how evil Hitler was. Plus nobody would know how cooler The Second World War was than all other wars combined.

Getting back to answering your emails, here are some of the most common questions I’ve been getting:

Freddy McGoover from Santa Barbara, California writes:

Dear Dog,

I think my 15 year old son might be smoking marijuana, he stays in his room all day and won’t come out, listens to rock and roll music and is constantly hungry. Any advice on how to stop him from destroying his life like this would be appreciated, thanks.

Freddy

Freddy,

I’m glad you wrote to me at this critical stage in your son’s life. Now, although rock music and hunger are really good indicators of pot use you need to get more specific. For instance, if your son is listening to classic rock bands like Pink Floyd, Black Sabbath, The Doors etc, he’s most definitely smoking pot. But if he’s listening to newer rock bands like Hinder, Nickleback, Linkin Park or Good Charlotte, then he’s a fag, Freddy, there’s just no two ways about it. If that’s the case then you need to speak to a priest or a drill sergeant, which I am neither. Either way, you need to start cracking down man-wise on this kid, he needs a positive role model in his life. Plus, if he stays in his room all day he might just be in there whacking off, so stop bothering me with these bullshit questions, honestly.





If only Hinder sounded a little more earnest





Karen Bowser from Houston, Texas writes:

Dog,

I’m a bored housewife, I have seen every episode of your show and all I can say is, if you’re ever in Houston look me up. You know how they say everything’s bigger in Texas? Well sugar, they ain’t a lyin’.

Kisses,

Karen.

Wow Karen, that wasn’t really a question but I’m going to answer it anyway. I actually have a few questions of my own. Can you send me a photo of yourself? I’m not saying I’m picky but I’m not gonna spend $500 on a flight to Houston and you end up looking like Charleton Heston. Also, when you say everything is bigger in Texas, are you alluding to your boobs? I’m kind of a literal person and I gotta be honest, when you said that I immediately thought you were talking about your ass. I hope it’s your boobs though, I really do. But listen Karen, if you’re loaded then all that stuff doesn’t matter. Seriously, remember Anna Nicole Smith and that corpse she slobbered all over on television? That couple would look like Johnny Cash and June Carter when I got through with you. So, I guess what I’m sayin’ is, send me a copy of your most recent bank statement and a few pictures from various angles and a ticket to Houston and I’ll think about coming to visit, sound good?

Samuel Trollbean from Atlanta, Georgia writes:

Dear Dog Chapman,

On episode 43AR of your show, the one where you get worried that one of the people you’re about to catch might be “packin’ heat”, there is a scene where you are running through a bunch of backyards in a low-income housing area. In one scene there is a can of bear mace on your belt, the brand name of that mace is “Bear-Scare”. However, in the next scene where you are jumping over the kiddy pool the can of mace on your belt is clearly the brand “Grizzly-Fizzly”. How did you switch brands so quickly? Are we to expect you went out and bought a new can of mace in the 0.3 seconds it took to change scenes, or is your show staged? I have this information all typed up and ready to be posted on my blog which I can assure you, A LOT of people read. So, unless you want to be humiliated in front of millions of fans, I suggest you explain this anomaly.

Sincerely,

Samuel

Dear She-Male,

First of all, I’ve never had the opportunity to correspond with the human equivalent of a wet fart before, so I have to thank you for that right off the bat. All I have to say is, I’d never touch either of those brands of mace with a ten foot pole. I use “Bear-Blinder” and only “Bear Blinder” so stop jerking your pole for a second to Leland and try actually paying attention to what's going on in the show. As for your blog, I don’t think your parents and the queers you play “Luke & Han” with on Saturday night at the Games Workshop actually count as people so how about you do the world a favor and stick your face into a moving train, shit weasel.


So there you have it, I love getting your mail so keep ‘em coming and maybe you will get a real life email from The Dog!