The show is holding auditions in all of the major cities in the country which happen to be located in Tennessee. So basically what I’m saying is that the city of Bean Station, Tennessee is the only place the auditions are being held but you gotta give an unorthodox show like this time to catch on, it’s not like we’re “Pirate Master” or something. And they aren’t auditions per say, whoever wins this competition takes home all the marbles. I’ve never been to Bean Station before, well, I’ve never been to Tennessee before. I’m pretty excited though because on top of doing the reality show I can zip over to Lynchburg and put my paper-mache tribute to Jerry Falwell on his grave. Farewell, gentle prince.
Bean Station’s bustling town centre
We’ve encouraged all kinds of bounty hunters to audition for the show. There are those who use a combination of brute force and compassion like Your Truly. There are those who catch criminals using their wit and charm and a sexy assistant who sits in an office surrounded by computers tracking everyone down for you and there are those who only use compassion and understanding. Those guys should get back in line for a set of nuts if you ask me. I guess you shouldn’t ask me because I’ve been told that we have to allow chicks to compete in this show, that should be good for a laugh. I hope there’s a bake-off because those broads are gonna get se-law-turd brah. The winner of the competition gets $50,000, a Toyota Echo and a Bounty Hunting gig in the city with the highest projected rise in crime: New Haven, Connecticut.
I was pretty jazzed up for the first day of auditions so I flew to Tennessee a day early to catch a Greyhound to Bean Station. Turns out that Greyhound buses don’t travel to Bean Station so I had to take the lesser known public transit system unique to Tennessee, the “Critter Coach”. I’ve never been on a bus that gave out tetanus shots before but I guess there’s a first time for everything.
That was a bumpy seven hours
The next day I got to meet the other two people I’d be judging with. I had prayed to everything that’s sacred I’d get a hottie but I got crapped on by God again because it turned out to be two dudes. They were both retired bounty hunters themselves but all of their skills combined weren’t worth one of my farts. Their names were Monty Manson and Freddie “No Hands” Manos. They called him “No Hands” because he was so self conscious about protecting his hands that he always wore gloves, even while eating and doing the wild-thang if you know what I mean. Don’t ask me why, it’s just the way the guy operates.
Freddie prepares for a long night of Scrabble
The first event in the competition was called the “Withstand-ination Round”. I have no idea who came up with the titles of these events but it sounds like they put Mr. Clean on their Mini-Wheats if you ask me. Anyway, the Withstand-ination Round consisted of lining up the 15 contestants and spraying them in the eyes with bear mace. The 10 people who could stay on their feet the longest got through to the next round. The 5 who collapsed the quickest were given a towel and a free ticket on the Critter Coach to any location within a 200 mile radius.
Well I have to say, the first round didn’t really go as planned. Monty couldn’t get the cap off of the mace and accidentally got some on his fingers in the process. When he got back to the table he rubbed his eyes and freaked out, started crying and screaming. I kind of lost my faculties because I immediately started giving him mouth-to-mouth which only made things even more uncomfortable. Then Monty grabbed a fire extinguisher and sprayed himself in the face with it and then passed out. I don’t think that gave the contestants too much confidence in the competition but Freddie went ahead and sprayed them all anyway.
Another contestant living their dream
Once the 5 losers were rolled off of the stage it was time for the 10 heroes to get ready for the second round, known as “Know Your Enemy”. 25 people were put in a lineup, 5 of them were known local criminals who had volunteered for the show thinking they had won a free boat. The 10 remaining contestants could look, feel and smell the people but not ask them any questions.
The contestants who correctly identified 3 or more real criminals were put through. Everything was going well until one of the contestants, Julia McFever, had to be removed because we found out she worked for Rogers' Wireless and was trying to sign everyone up for two months free long distance. Only three contestants correctly identified enough criminals so the rest were pushed out the door with the real criminals and told to go home.
At least Julia’s got her kids in order
The third and final round of the show was called “Stakeout Through the Heart”. You see, being a bounty hunter isn’t all guts and glory, it’s not all busts and booty, it’s not all cruisin’ and cougar huntin’, it’s not all…well you get the picture. Sometimes you have to sit and wait for the druggie to appear. Then you have to wait some more. One time, Youngblood and I waited so long for this crackhead to come out of his shack we both fell asleep and when we woke up I forgot which house we were supposed to be watching. It worked out though, I just threw stun grenades into every house on the street and drove off.
The competition forced each contestant to sit in a car in real life downtown Bean Station and watch a house that may or may not contain a fake meth addict running from the cops. The contestant who stayed awake the longest got to go in the house and see if there was anyone in there to arrest. One contestant was disqualified when it was discovered he was smoking crack to stay awake. That left only two people left.
The winner’s name was Jim or Phil or something like that. To be honest I got kind of sidetracked when I found out that Bean Station has the most burger joints and strip clubs than any other city in America. By the time I peeled myself out of “The Sticky Situation Room” 37 hours later the whole thing was over. I collected my paycheck from Freddie and then he and I went and got hammered again. What a blast, I hope FOX picks this thing up so we can shoot a second season. I hear it’s going to be Possum Ridge, Arkansas.
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