I’d like to venture beyond comics because I want to come across as a knowledged individual. So in the last few weeks I’ve been searching the interweb for more sophisticated novels. That way, when I’m reforming a captured meth addict in the back of the SUV, we can shoot the shit in more depth that just Jesus. I’m not holding out much hope though, all of the meth addicts I know don’t read anything more than the codes and stamps on all the rubber hoses they use. Its lonely bein’ me, sometimes a bounty hunter’s life can be as empty as the plot to that new Wicker Man movie. I personally would’ve liked to have seen Nicholas Caged burned to death within the first 5 minutes of that mess.
"I can't act my way out WICKER for God's sake!"
I have to order all of my new books through the computer machine because I’ve been banned from our local Barnes and Noble for ruining a book and refusing to pay for it. I was checking out the latest Anne Rice novel, the one where gay vampires cope with the social stigmas of being both gay and undead. They are prosecuted by a beautiful right wing vampire hunter who tries to shut down their nightclub “Flesh”. I didn’t get to read the end but I’m pretty sure the vampires had lots of sex. I was reading it in one of those leather chairs they offer and I spilled my $15 vanilla mocha spiced pumpkin latte that came in a cup the size of a bus’ hubcap all over it. Anyway, some punk kid who talked like he had Truman Capote stuck in his throat tried to tell me I owed them $30 for the book. I told him he owed me money for making me withstand looking at his acne splattered face for more than 5 seconds. Long story short, it didn’t end well and now I can’t go back in there.
While I wait for my books to arrive through the computer, I’d like to share with you my five favorite books of all time. They’re in no particular order, expect for a few. I’ll let you decide which ones are in order of preference, it’ll make it more fun that way.
1.
The Secret Power Within by Chuck Norris
This is an amazing book. Chuck Norris explains how Zen philosophy taught him to respect himself, kick really fast and hate minorities. It made me want to get to know Zen a little more but I could never sit still long enough to get into it. I was kind of disappointed that this book didn’t explain some of the scenes from Delta Force 2, like how Chuck can ride a motorcycle through the jungle at top speed while shooting a machine gun that weighs more than he does. That and how come after 15 minutes of using his exercise machine my ass looks like a pre-assembled IKEA bookcase. But the book still taught me some important life lessons about sweating and intolerance so I have to give it mad props.
2.
The Emotional Tone Scale by L. Ron Hubbard
This book trains you to rank your emotions so you can use them to your advantage in almost any social situation. And if you understand what the hell that means you should get back onto your spaceship. It also exposes the lies behind things like psychology, prescription drugs and gravity. Once you read this book you’ll be well on your way up the social ladder towards the rainbow robot heavens where John Travolta and Jenna Elfman have babies together and then eat them.
3.
Magnify: Old Testament Stories For Kids
Now, I know what you’re thinking, what are the “ancient secrets revealed” as advertised on the cover? Well, you’ll just have to read it yourself to find out. The real Bible is full of a lot of words and I find that distracting. This one gets right to the point, most of it is in picture form. Plus it has cool mazes and games that teach kids how to identify and effectively ostracize non-Christians. And I don’t even have to tell ya how bitchin’ the 3D glasses are. Sometimes I just wear the glasses around the house and tell Beth that I can see her sins. She tells me it freaks her out but I know she thinks I look sexy in them. I can honestly say this is the first book I finished in just over a month. Buy it, unless you want your family to rot in hell forever.
4.
The Dictionary of Biblical Imagery
Do you find yourself trying to express your love for Our Lord and Savoir but just can’t find the right words? Do you occasionally suffer from a lack of imagination? Are you a fucking idiot? Well brother, this book is for you. It describes thousands of events, places and items from the Bible in a way that the editors feel is suitable for a mass audience. Now you don’t have to worry about not being able to effectively scare the shit out of the people you scream at outside of the Home Depot.
5.
Kill It & Grill It: A Guide to Preparing and Cooking Wild Game and Fish by Ted & Sheman Nugent
The Motor City Madman has taken some time out of sticking his tongue into light sockets and generally scaring the shit out people to write a book about shooting coyotes with his wife/sex slave. I consider this book to be my own personal Bible. It has everything you need in order to learn how to kill things with a crossbow while swinging from a vine and playing “Cat Scratch Fever” with your teeth. As a bonus, it’s filled with Ted’s insights into current events. These include “Let’s kill all minorities” to “Don’t you hate minorities?” So forget about those shitty barbecue books this summer, buy an elephant rifle, snort a line of coke the length of a coffee table and earn your food like a fucking man, the Ted Nugent way.
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