I find the best way to unwind is to just fall back into the large fountain of knowledge that I’ve gathered from reading back issues of Soldier of Fortune and the sides of U-Haul trucks. Another way I like to unwind is to drink Goldschlager until I can’t locate my own eyebrows but Beth tells me when I do that I act like Russell Crowe. I figure I better stop drinking that stuff because I’ll admit I’m no genius, but I’d rather be me then act like that dumb fuck.
With that said, I’d like to share with you a bunch of facts that I’ve learned over the years. I call this little segment “Did You Know?” Look for more of these in the future. If anyone has any problems with these facts you can send your complaints to my agent Doug at douchebagsayswhat@gmail.com and he’ll be sure to peruse them once he sobers up and learns to read, in that order.
Did You Know…
1. The muscles in your ears have the strength to shoot your earwax horizontally for 45 meters? This is how cavemen defended themselves against the Pod People of Atlantis.
Jenny prepares to kill her pervert doctor using this ancient technique
2. Snakes are the only animals on the planet that can’t understand Microsoft FrontPage. Makes sense, even I could figure it out.
No Dreamweaver? I’m so outta here
3. The strongest muscle in the human body is the left ass cheek. That explains why strippers are always throwing that in your face.
It must have taken years to achieve that amount of strength
4. Statistically, people are more afraid of Carson Kressley than they are of dying in a terrorist attack.
Carson sucks the brains from another hip, gay, kooky victim.
5. All sharks are left handed. Except Great Whites, they aren’t sure about them yet. The last guy they sent to find that out came back without a torso.
Meet the Yankees’ new secret weapon
6. Falcons cannot stick out their tongues. Well they can, but they don’t want to because this one time in winter, a teenage falcon tried to show off in front of his friends and he stuck his tongue onto a metal light pole and it stuck there. They had to call Animal Control to remove him, from that moment on nobody has ever seen a falcon’s tongue.
I guess that falcon has never seen “A Christmas Story”
7. Caterpillars taste with their genitals. It’s also not very well known that caterpillars are all hung like seahorses.
You stud you
8. An ant can live up to 0.3 seconds while it’s being crushed by a boot. It only dies because there’s nothing left to it.
They are amazing creatures to kill
9. Lindsay Lohan regularly gets mistaken for a Pez dispenser and
nobody knows why.
I love those Percodan flavored ones
10. Each character from the board game “Clue” actually represents a specific disease. It stems from the fact that the game was originally created by Irish immigrants to teach their children what they were suffering from.
Professor Plum: Ebola
Miss Peacock: Syphilis
Miss White: Bubonic Plague
Mr. Green: Flesh Eating Disease
Colonel Mustard: Smallpox
Miss Scarlet: Cholera
Tim Curry: Homosexuality
I suspect Ebola with the potato in the conservatory
11. It is impossible to rub your stomach and pat your head at the same time.
Not even this king can do it
12. Multiplying 911 x 911 = Get out of America, terrorist
Death to America, and math
13. Goth kids are born without brains.
Nobody understands my need to suck the joy out of every single experience
14. A statue in a park of a man sitting in a chair with both his feet in the air means the man died accidentally while making homemade drugs. If he has only one foot in the air, the man was eaten by piranhas. If both of his feet are on the ground it means the man died by strangling himself while jerking off, like that fruit from INXS. You can also try actually reading the plaque that’s located right on the statue to find out how he died.
What a tragedy
15. The phrase “Sharper Image” comes from the ancient Greek term riomektrion, which means “Ripoff”
I honestly don’t know how I live without it
16. In ancient Bulgaria, people could not use the bathroom without consent from the King. When people wanted to have a bowel movement they had to be given permission from the monarchy. In turn, the monarchy would supply them with a sign, written on toilet paper, to hang on their door when they took a dump. The sign read “Sit and Have Insightful Thoughts” (S.H.I.T.) This is the origin of the word.
An unbound King is a happy King
17. When Russian settlers first landed in Canada in 900 B.C., the Mi'kmaq gave them a strange but tasty dish made from potatoes and what we Americans call "butter". The Russians tried to ask them what this delicious meal was called. The Mi'kmaq responded by saying "Ra Pee Pi". The Russians then adapted this phrase to form the word Rappie Pie. What the Russians didn't realize was that "Ra Pee Pi" really means "We've shit in your food, white devils".
Welcome to Canada
That’s all for this installment of “Did You Know?” Stay tuned next time when I try to unravel the mystery of where my balls went when I married Beth.
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