What the Canuck

I was packing my stuff together to get away for the upcoming long weekend. I know that the U.S. doesn’t have its long weekend for another week but I can take an extra day whenever the hell I feel like it. Actually, I paid $7,000 for a wax dummy that looks just like me and placed it in the door of the business looking out onto the street. Then I recorded a set of phrases that would ensure people would stay away. These included “It’s that time of the month brah, stay away or Beth will rip ya a new one”, “I know the sign says we’re open 24/7 but 24’s on and we need some privacy” and finally “ants! Flesh eating ants everywhere! Oh God they are eating the inside of my ear canal like some sort of insect that eats skin!” I figured that would be good enough.

I want this weekend trip to go well because we’re headed up north to Canada to see my cousin Darren. Darren lives in Toronto which is the capital of Canada for all of you ignorants out there. I’m testing the waters with the Canucks because in August I’m headed to Halifax to give a lecture on the dangers of meth and also to try and sell those gullible dolts a book I threw together about space aliens and mole creatures. They’re so behind in the times they’ll think Jules Verne has come back to life. I never understood why, after Jules Verne wrote all those wicked sci-fi books he decided to end his career playing second fiddle to Ernest in all of those movies. Don’t get me wrong, “Ernest Goes to Camp” is a classic, as is “Ernest Commits a Hate Crime” but for a master of fiction to go downhill like that is just criminal. Anyway, you can read about my trip to Halifax here.








Hey Verne, when does the plausibility of these stories become ridiculously old?






So yeah, I was trying to pack things up in preparation of our big trip but I got distracted by that new reality show Pirate Master. I was bummed to see John go in the first episode, I thought he was the most interesting one. He had listed his profession as “Scientist/Exotic Dancer”. How versatile is that? I can imagine some of the conversations he must have at bars with women: “Yeah I’ve been really busy at the lab lately. I’ve been testing the effect that baby oil has on rock hard abs”.

Pirate Master is destined to be a classic, just like Flavor of Love. I can’t wait to see what happens when they’re only two or three contestants left because how they’ll sail that giant ship will be a mystery. Sign those folks up for the U.S. Navy if you ask me, they won’t wuss out like those Brits did with Iran. I’d change the laws to allow chicks into the navy just for that crew too. Jupiter, I’d check out your moons any day baby.












Wanna check out my thesis? It’s called “Rashes in the Genital Region: The One Dollar Bill Paradox”

Before we left for Canada, I decided to read up on some history of the strange, cold land to the north. I couldn’t believe how lame it is. I should give the country some credit, I was half awake when I read from the history book and by history book I mean a copy of Ranger Rick from 1984 I found at a yard sale one our hippy neighbors has to raise extra cash every time they get busted bootlegging. I’d like to take a minute to compare some of Canada’s icons to our icons and prove once again why the U.S.A. is so superior.

For starters, Canada’s nation symbol is the beaver. Personally, I don’t trust anything that could chew its way into my home. And making a rodent a national symbol is just wrong, they might as well have gone with a muskrat. The beaver simply cannot stand up to our national symbol, which, I’m guessing is the M-16 Assault Rifle. If it isn’t our symbol, it sure as hell should be. If I ever have any more kids and God willing I’ve run that bucket dry, but if I ever do, I’m gonna name each new one after a character from Platoon. Starting with Jr., not Dog Jr. just Jr.













I pledge allegiance, to the safety switch

Next up, Captain Canuck. Really creative guys, lets take Captain America, paint him commie red and have him try to save kids from falling trees and poutine addiction or whatever kids in Canada are afflicted with. Too bad Captain Canuck couldn’t save the Maple Leafs from humiliating themselves for the past 35 years.



















I Want YOU…to draw me waaaay better then this. I mean c’mon.

Now on to their police force. I know Canadians think they don’t have crime up there but any country that pushes that onto people is hiding a deep secret. That’s why they can’t be trusted. Anyway, their Mounties look like Smokey the Bear if he only exercised with a thigh master for three years straight. Give me the boys in blue any day. Sure they shoot first and ask questions later and are inherently racist but at least they won’t make you rupture a spleen laughing as they chase you down.















“I’d like to thank P.T. Barnum for supplying the clowns today. Where are ya P.T.? Give a bow, I know you’re out there”

And lastly, leadership. Now, I don’t want to hear a thing about what you fools think of G.W.’s handling of the war on terror. This is wartime folks, no questions need to be asked. I already volunteered the rest of the family at a munitions factory down the road but apparently it hasn’t been in operation since Pearl Harbor. I didn’t tell my kids that though, they still go down there to “work” for eight hours a day. Anyway, Canada’s leader, I’m not sure of his name or appearance, is clearly deluded. Sure, he got a gold star for going into Afghanistan but the rest of the country is just a mess. Hey, Chairman Mao, give us a call when you’re ready to put the t-ball stand down and play hardball.








"As Prime Minister, I declare a national holiday in remembrance for the tree I just chopped"





And there ya have it, a concise run down of why we as Americans kick Canada's ass in every aspect of daily life. Canada's like our little brother who's a little slow and a weakling. You kind of feel sorry for him but after a while you just gotta cut him loose.