The Paris Hilton Transitional Home

Some of you may remember that a few weeks ago I offered to do Paris Hilton’s jail time for her. You can read about it here if you understand that the word “here” is actually a link to another interweb document. Last time I saw one of those I kept pressing it with my finger and when that didn’t work I stared at it hoping something would happen and now the eye doctor says I may need corrective laser surgery. That’s what I get for taking my sunglasses off for 5 minutes in the house. I like to wear them while sitting and talking to Beth on the couch. That way I can have my head tilted towards her while I nod and say “I’m sorry” or “You’re right” or “I’m really sorry” or “You’ve never been righter” and at the same time have my eyes glued to the idiot box looking for the next piece of skin to appear on Desperate Housewives. Boy, give me two days in that neighborhood and the only thing those broads would be desperate for is a divorce lawyer because I’d have ‘em all in my back pocket in 4 hours, 6 if I’m not on my A-Game, which means I’d have to stop and buy more Brut, then I’d be back on my A-Game but you see it takes time to find that stuff and you know how confusing drug store are nowadays. I’m a machine folks, ask Beth, ask…well just asking Beth is probably safer.

Back to the Paris thing, all I can say is, Rocky Armadillo, if that is your real name, you’re about as worthless as a Gary Busey’s drug counselor. I can’t believe you’d send Paris to jail for a traffic violation. If I went to prison for every time I double parked or ran a red light or drove into a store at 3:00am drunk on Listerine I’d be in Gitmo right now. So, watch your back punk. It won’t be hard for you to do, weasels have really long necks. I think they do anyway, I was gonna look it up on Wikipedia but I don’t have time and calling you a giraffe is just weird. You’re a piece of shit! How’s that? Get the picture now buddy? Good.




"What? I'm not allowed to spit in court?"




I’d hate to see anything as fine as Paris be ravaged by the clink. In case you were born under a rock and didn’t realize this, I’ve done time before so I’m pretty familiar with prison. I’ve got the Colorado Shambhala County Prison platinum membership card. Only seven more convictions and I get a free shiv signed by Christian Slater. And I tell ya, that thing’s gotta be worth more than my signed DVD copy of “Alone in the Dark”. That movie’s more effective if you watch it either alone in the dark or without eyeballs.

Anyway, I’m glad that Paris has taken that long, sweet drag off of Our Lord and Savior and decided to set things right. She recently told E! News that she plans to “build a transitional home to help recently released inmates readjust to freedom”. When I heard this I got more excited than the Olsen twins at a barfing party. I decided to whip up some plans for Paris’ house, first of all you need a name. I suggest “Tha Hawt House”. It’s fresh and hip and will show everyone that Paris isn’t just some ditsy blonde. I’ve also submitted my ideas for a few different rooms in Tha Hawt House:

1. The Delousing Room

Everyone knows that people just released from prison are icky, so I suggest that a delousing room be the first thing the ex-cons see when they open the door. Hell, I remember the first time I got out of the joint, my hairdo looked like someone had used it clean toilets, which they had on the rare occasion I was feeling submissive. So, the ex-cons walk in and get sprayed from head to toe in Nix for body lice, Mr. Clean for caked on feces and urine and Liquid Plumber for good measure and also because I like the color of that stuff. This way, they’ll be nice and fresh for when they meet Paris and they won’t have to worry about embarrassing things happening to them when they go for their first job interview, like shaking a potential employer’s hand and accidentally covering it in leeches.







I made this delouser myself out of a Craftsman Spray & Wash and Beth's slow cooker






2. The Dressing Room

When you’re fresh out of the clank, fashion is even more important than if you’re whoring it up and down Sunset Blvd. I think Paris and I have pretty much the same kind of tastes, they both are awesome. I’m more into leather than her but that’s cool. Paris can pick out the wardrobes for the chicks and I can tell the dudes what to wear. I’m sure all recently released women looking for social stability and respect won’t mind never using a bra and wearing a -8 size dress. Top that off with a diamond tiara, a dog the size of an M&M, matching belt, shoes and a winning smile and you’ll be the life of the party. And if you don’t want to party then you should go straight back to jail because that’s just criminal. As for the guys, to hell with them, I just want to watch Paris dress hot chicks all day. The guys can wear some barbeque covers or something that’s in the basement of Tha Hawt House




You can burn that wart right off with those matches






3. The Champagne Room

This is the room where the magic happens. Once they’re clean and dressed they’re ready to be taught how to act once they’re back in the shit, or the real world. The ex-cons are given speech lessons for starters. These important grammar lessons include giggling, giggling, laughing, giggling and laughing, laughing while holding different colored bags and giving sexually suggestive smiles after each sentence, and then giggling. Then there’s the walk, everyone needs a distinctive walk. I think my walk combines John Wayne with Clint Eastwood even though I’ve been told it combines bowl-leggedness with a pole up my ass but what do people know. The cons will be taught how to catch the eye of that special guy or gal while strutting down the street shopping for diamonds, sunglasses, or diamond encrusted sunglasses.








A little concealer and you're ready for Tiffany's!







I'm gonna pack these up and send 'em off to Paris to see what she thinks. Maybe I'll ship them to Larry King so he can show them to her while he interviews her live on CNN. That way the world can see that not only are Paris and I as tight as TomKat, we're both reformed criminals who are determined to make a difference, one crystal nose stud at a time.