Our team, “Mace to Mace” always does really good, we always take over the beer tent and make sure nobody drinks all the beer and sometimes we win a few games. I think we’ve got a pretty good chance this year, as good a chance as Meg Ryan playing a neurotic, love-scorned hippie in her next movie. Before the games start in next few weeks, I’d like to share with you my complete softball-weekend preparation guide.
Dean Werther, our coach and mentor
I love softball. It’s a way for me to relax after a long day at work and forget about much my family is smothering me and cramping my style overall. It’s also a great excuse to get shitfaced drunk all in the name of sport. Only America could create a sport that allows you to drink alcohol while playing. I’ve even gone so far as to wear my beer helmet as I round the bases, by the time I touch home plate I can barely walk. One year a prankster switched my beer in the helmet with a bottle of Beefeater and when I tried to round third base I just kept on going and ran face first into the bleachers. I got him back by filling his spray-on deodorant with bear mace. Some people will tell you that bear mace is only effective when sprayed in the eyes but don’t tell that to Jimmy. He had to have his hair from his pubes transplanted to his armpits after my little gag. Hey, don’t do the prank if you can’t bang the skank. “Bang the skank” is Hawaiian slang for “taking a joke” in case you haven’t read a book in the last 50 years.
Anyway, this year our centerfielder, Barney Tucker, has asked if he can wear the beer helmet so I’ve decided to pass the torch and let him have a few innings of glory. The beer helmet is like a drunk chick on roofies, you can do whatever you want with it. Youngblood believes in the beer helmet so much that he’s trying to patent one for the U.S. Army in Iraq. That way they can pump Osama’s ass full of lead while being hydrated at the same time, God Bless America.
Semper *hic* Fi
As for myself, I play the most important position of all, catcher. I know what yer sayin’ “Dog, the catcher in softball doesn’t really have to do anything, he doesn’t even have to crouch down to catch the ball”. And if you did say that you should go into the psychic business because you just successfully read my mind. You should also go into the dumbass business because the catcher is what holds a softball team together. The catcher keeps an eye on all the players that aren’t allowed to lead off. I also keep an eye on the bleachers for MILFs who might want to break in my equipment after the game.
The first thing to do when preparing for a softball tournament is to make sure your team is ready for battle. “An army marches on it’s stomach” is what Genghis Khan said before he invaded Poland in 1939. I never really understood that quote, I figured that an army could march much faster if they were on their feet but you know how those Japanese are, they always want to be different. I re-worked the quote to mean that if you don’t have a full stomach you won’t perform to your maximum potential. That’s why I always make sure my boys are well stocked. This is the stuff that I bring, they’re in order of importance:
Four flats of Budweiser, Hustler’s Barely Legal mags for those extra long innings, one of those portable Coleman camp ovens, extra lighter fluid, fire extinguisher, band-aids, 4 packs of Ballpark Franks, 3 lbs of lean ground beef, 7 bags of ice (the ice that keeps things cool not the kind that destroys young lives), mesh baseball hat with fake dog crap on the bill that reads “Shithead”, 2nd mesh hat with fake seagull crap on it that says “Damn Those Honolulu Seagulls” just to mix things up a little; 3rd mesh hat with extended bill that says “Betcha Mine’s Longer Than Yours” on it to serve as a rally cap; “Deep Heat” for sore muscle and for spreading on someone’s jockstrap before game for a prank, a deck of nudie playing cards and a Battleship travel edition.
The Hotdog hat can be used if you go into extra innings
Once you get all of those things into your dugout you’re ready to start playing. In a softball game, it’s always better to show up at least 15 minutes before the game actually starts in order to make an effective appearance, and you should also show up drunk as well. It’s also crucial that you start a fight with someone by the third inning or earlier. This can be an opposing player who you blame for stepping on your toe, an umpire, some loud fan in the bleachers or even your own teammate, if you’re drunk enough. Your team will never forgive you if you pick a fight with a friend and they find out your blood alcohol level was below 0.45.
If you take all of this advice and cram it into your noggin’ before a softball tournament or any sporting event for that matter, you’ll be well on your way to winning trophies and becoming familiar with the local drunk tank. Now, if you’ll excuse me, those porno magazines and hotdogs aren’t going to buy themselves.
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