Bay of Pigs

The other night Youngblood and I were staking out a crack house waiting for this junkie to come out. It was a pretty slow evening so we had to find ways to keep ourselves busy. We started off by playing “I spy” but the only words we could come up with to describe our surroundings were “broken” and “urine soaked” so we scrapped that idea. Then we decided to play 20 questions. I never lose at this game because I always choose something weird like “time” or “the universe” or “Kevin Costner’s career”. You know, something really abstract and hard to figure out.

After I kicked Youngblood’s ass at that we just shot the shit for a little while. We talked about how much we like having sex with women and exchanged Paella recipes. Then Youngblood asked me who my favorite movie director was. I was tempted to just say “Whoever directed Troll 2” because that movie was awesome. But after really thinking about it I decided that my all time favorite director has to be Michael Bay. Who cares if the guy looks like the love child of MacGyver and Geena Davis? I sure as hell don’t. The guy knows how to make a movie and that’s all that matters.












Moments after this photo was taken, the enitre airstrip exploded

I’d like to take a look at this genius’ life as a director, and most importantly, as an American. His directorial debut was a Playboy video centerfold shoot of Kerri Kendall, who went on to a lucrative career in homelessness and eating discarded cabbage. The centerfold shoot went on to gross more than $3.99 in shopping mall discount bins nationwide.

Next up Michael directed the radical sounds of Great White in “Great White: My…My…My…The Video Collection.” This collection consisted of “Once Bitten Twice Shy” and the director’s remake of “Once Bitten Twice Shy”. It also included four hours of extra footage of the band discussing how awesome the song “Once Bitten Twice Shy” is. Great White also had a bright future after coming into contact with Bay. They were nominated for a Grammy and then they burned a bunch of people to death. They now are all Assistant Managers at a Denny’s in Chicago.

Bitten by the music bug, Michael directed the conveniently famous group Wilson Phillips’ video, “You Won’t See Me Cry”. Things became heated when Bay began flirting with Carnie Wilson. Wilson, who had never had a male speak to her before this, became confused and irate and told her father, Beach Boy Brian Wilson. Brian also became irate, not at Bay but because his order of 75 ham sandwiches cut in the shape of The Mona Lisa and covered in Tabasco Sauce hadn’t come in from Arby’s. Once Carnie explained what had happed to her, Brian wasn’t mad at all and he made Michael Bay king of the United States in a lavish 4.5 million dollar ceremony which included belly dancers, a tribute to doorknobs and a hilarious 4 hour stand-up routine by Carrot Top.













“Hey, John Lennon’s in the audience, you’re still A-OK in my book, John”

Bay also made deeply moving feature films that explored the subtle yet crucial differences between co-worker and employee and a man and his woman in this topsy turvy world. The first of these films was of course Armageddon. First of all, the whole thing is so plausible it’s scary. I’ve never actually seen the whole thing because we went to a really cheap theatre to see it and they had these stupid pay toilets and I tried to crawl under the stall to get in for free and got stuck there for 3 hours. After I was freed by some strange yet helpful homeless people I was still able to catch the last 35 minutes so I think I’m qualified to comment on it. When Bruce Willis died after jumping onto that asteroid a part of me died with him.

Bay did it again with Pearl Harbor. I don’t know where that is but looks like some really heavy shit went down during one of the wars we won. I heard Bay wanted to recreate the feel of the time so badly that he always walked around in period dress, changed the way he talked and refused to let black people associate with whites the entire time. After the movie ended Bay claimed 4 Geisha women as his own and to this day they are still his official car washers and dog walkers.

It doesn’t stop there, Bay is also a producer. Rarely does a bad idea escape this guy. He loves remakes. In 2003 he completely fixed the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre which had been asking for a facelift for about 30 years if you ask me. In 2009 he plans on remaking the Hitchcock disaster “The Birds”. Look for some pretty pissed of chickadees with rocket launchers attached to their wings.





"It's payback time bitch"




Also coming from this master of film in 2009 is another Friday the 13th sequel. I don’t want to give anything away but a very reliable source tells me that Tom Sizemore is going to play Jason Voorhees. Apparently the plot is that Jason gets recruited by the U.S. Army and is unleashed in Iraq. Look for Kate Beckinsale as the hard-ass Corporal Silvereyes, whose tough exterior is soon broken by Jason’s determination in the field. The sexual tension between the two is supposed to be electric. Also worth noting is the soundtrack to this movie. My favorite so far is Nickleback’s “The Sunni The Better”, it's sure to be a hit with the kids.

Hope you enjoyed my little tribute to my favorite director. I can’t wait to see what movies he’s going to rearrange and add more explosions to next.