When I was a child actor I was privy to all kinds of dirt on these kinds of television shows. You wouldn’t believe half of the stuff that went on behind the scenes. You gotta remember it was the ‘50s and ‘60s and people’s brains hadn’t fully developed yet I don’t think. The thing that I remember most is that one time, Jay Silverheels, who played Tonto in The Lone Ranger, put superglue all over Clayton Moore’s trademark black mask as a gag. Well, Clayton couldn’t get the mask off of course so he had to wear it all the time, even to his grandmother’s funeral the next week. It was pretty embarrassing but Clayton was a good sport. He got back at Jay by giving his entire family tuberculosis.
Those commie train robbers are around here somewhere, Tonto
Those were the carefree days when you could get away with little pranks on the set and nobody cared. Other events you might find funny are when Al Lewis, who played Grandpa on the Munsters, lined Fred Gwynne’s boots with lead, making them 15 lbs heavier than usual, giving Fred a permanent curve in his spine. Another hilarious moment in television came when Danny Bonaduce, Pugsley Addams and Barry Williams gang raped Marcia from the Brady Bunch.
Getting back to the Batman TV show, I used to love the cool villains that used to have guests appearances like Egghead and King Tut. Not many people know it but there were a lot more guest villains that didn’t make it on the show because it was cancelled when it was discovered Commissioner Gordon opposed the Vietnam War. It’s a shame because a lot of these villains could have had their own spin-off shows I’m sure. Here are the top five unknown Batman villains:
1. The Beatnik
The Beatnik didn’t believe in rules daddy-o. He would mesmerize his victims by snapping his fingers to the hip rhythm of his far out poems which cleverly combined the anguish of youth living in the ‘60s with an anti-establishment undercurrent. I have no clue what that means, I just read it from the back of some book by an author named Jack Krack or something. I guess The Beatnik didn’t dig what the “man” at the studio was sellin’ because when he was told he had been cut from the script he told the entire cast and crew through an interpretive dance that he hoped they all died in a nuclear war.
2. Timothy Dreary
Timothy Dreary’s main weapon was his mind. He would speak telepathically to his victims, forcing them to do bizarre things. It is rumored that this is where John Wyndham got his idea for Village of the Damned. In the episode that Dreary was supposed to be on, he was going to spike Alfred’s morning orange juice with acid so he would reveal where the Batcave and the cookie dough was hidden. This character was rejected because of fears that children would watch the show, take acid and then realize that everything they are taught in life is bullshit.
3. Harriet Housewife
Artist’s rendition
Harriet Housewife harnessed the energy of being a sexually repressed, undervalued and overworked woman full of Valium of the 1960s and turned it into pure ratings. Well, she would have if her husband, Dirk Dirkman, would have let her out of the house during the day to shoot the show. It’s kind of understandable though, Dirk was captain of the football team back in the day and he required a wife who was faithful to not only him but the meal schedule he created. It all worked out well in the end though, Dirk climbed to the top of the corporate ladder at his advertising firm and Harriet committed suicide. Don’t worry, Dirk got a new gal on the way out of the funeral home. Pretty swell if you ask me.
4. Sergeant Argument
Sergeant Argument was a real life retired drill sergeant who would scream profanities at you until you either caved in and did his evil bidding or freaked out and went on a killing spree before blowing your own brains out and then joining the cast of Law and Order. The studio was pressured to integrate the Sergeant into the show from the United States Army. The Army was hoping that America’s youth would see the discipline and the respect that came from wearing the uniform and enlist. Apparently the Army’s numbers were dwindling around the mid ‘60s. I think this was around the time that Tom Berenger thought he was God and killed Willem Dafoe and it divided all the platoons into two camps. All of this fell through of course when Sergeant Argument was found in his dressing room dressed like Little Bo Peep with J. Edgar Hoover. Hoover retained his position as head of the FBI but the Sarge ended up as part of the foundation for the Astrodome.
5. The Catholic Crunch
The Catholic Crunch went on to greener pastures after Batman
The Catholic Crunch was definitely the best of all of the never seen Batman villains. His primary weapon was to guilt his enemies into doing everything he wanted. He also burned hallucinogenic incense that would disorient Batman and make him reveal all of his secrets. He also possessed a homemade ray gun called the “Confessionizer”. Whenever anyone got hit with the Confessionizer they told everyone all of their secrets and pretty much lost the will to live. The only other powers Catholic Crunch had was to force people to hate anything different from them and to make children’s pants disappear.
So there it is, a rundown of all of the villains that you the public didn’t get to see. Hope you enjoyed it. Next time I’ll fill you in on why Bob Crane from Hogan’s Heroes was murdered. Here’s a teaser: It’s because God hated him.
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