The Discovery Channel has found a winner with ‘When Worlds Collide’. I can only guess how they convince guests to agree to appear on the show, but the premise is to take an aspect of what makes the United States great, mix it with something (or someone) that is embarrassing about the United States, and put it together on one tv screen. Last night, Duane Chapman of A&E’s hit series Dog the Bounty Hunter visited NASA’s Kennedy Space Center in Florida. For those unfamiliar with his show, Dog encapsulates (no pun intended) everything that is vulgar and backwards about this country: he forces both his brand of cowboy law and religious beliefs onto the criminals he captures - whether they want to hear it or not - he runs around swearing and acting before he thinks in obnoxious leather and high heeled cowboy boots, and he single-handedly has turned people’s impressions of bounty hunting back more than a century to the days of America’s Old West in less than three years on the air.
Charlotte, North Carolina welcomes TV Guide's Rod McGillivray to town
Meanwhile, NASA has long been considered a haven for America’s best and brightest scientific minds, working together for a common goal of exploring space for the sake of discovery and capturing a sense of understanding about the wonders of the universe. If you want a sense of how last night’s show went, here are three excerpts from the program:
Dog: So, how many flights a day go to the moon.
NASA spokesman: Uh, we haven’t been to the moon since December, 1972.
Dog: Bulls*@t!
NASA spokesman: No, I’m serious.
Dog: That can’t be right.
NASA spokesman: I don’t mean to be rude, but I’m certain that is correct. I’ve worked here since 1970.
Dog: Well, then, that means you’re old. I bet you’re just forgetful. The Dog would forget his mullet if it wasn’t attached to the rest of his…mullet. Anyways, I’ll check Wikipedia when I get back to my hotel tonight.
NASA spokesman: Wikipedia will say December, 1972.
Dog: It’s wrong too? Did you write the entry?
NASA spokesman: No, but for curiosities sake, when do you think the last moon landing was?
Dog: Well, as I said, I thought space buses went back and forth to the moon daily. But now that I think about it, I’m thinking maybe ’88? 1988 or 1989? Does that sound about right?
NASA spokesman: No, that sounds wrong. Completely wrong. Because you didn’t say December, 1972.
Dog: Man, do you have a boner for December, 1972. Why don’t you hump a calendar already and get it over with?
I can’t bring myself to stop there, so here is another encounter between Dog and another NASA representative:
Dog: I gotta ask, is it true that Apollo 13 happened because of a softball rivalry gone bad?
NASA representative: I haven’t heard that one before, Duane. Please, humour me.
Dog: Well, the way I heard it went down is that you guys have an internal softball league that no one knows about, and the division that designs O-rings was playing the guys who work in the launchpad inspection division, and there was a fight during a playoff game over a foul ball, and the benches cleared, and as payback the launchpad guys refused to check O-rings from then on, hoping a minor f**k-up would occur, but then it came back and bit everyone in the ass.
NASA representative: Interesting. Where did you read that?
Dog: It’s on a conspiracy site I subscribe to, called “The Truth is in Beer”. An out of work dental hygienist runs the site, and he gathers various pieces of information, mostly from dreams he has, and then makes bits and pieces of factual information fit the logic of these dreams.
Nerd! You better back it up!!
NASA representative: Fascinating. Does he have any other theories?
Dog: Oh, yeah. He thinks the Twin Towers fell because they were actually frozen hot dogs, and the reason they collapsed was because the heat from the exploded planes warmed them up. In retrospect, he is surprised they didn’t flop over like wieners.
NASA representative: Does he have any other theories about NASA?
Dog: Sure. He thinks that NASA uses Cape Canaveral for staff parties, and the reason launches get delayed so often is because it’s hard to gather up all of the picnic table covers and paper plates up, because if anyone found out you’d all be in deep s**t.
NASA representative: Do you think that’s true, Duane?
Dog: I don’t if you invite me to the next one of these parties.
And finally:
Dog: Say, have you ever thought of making the spacesuits out of black leather?
NASA spokeswoman: No. That would be very dangerous.
Dog: Dangerous to the ladies. Heh, heh. How about painting sunglasses onto the astronaut’s domed visors?
NASA spokeswoman: No, we haven’t thought of that either. That would obstruct the astronaut’s view.
Dog: To play Diablo’s Advocate for a minute, I’m not convinced that they can see s**t out of those things anyways, and boy would a nice pair of shades up the ‘cool factor’ for these guys.
NASA spokeswoman: Safety is our number one concern at NASA. Aesthetics is a non-factor.
Dog: I ain’t talking about the Oakland Aesthetics, or whatever you just said. I’m talking about style. How about sewing hair onto the space suit helmets? Such as, if I was an astronaut, I could have a blonde mullet sewn onto my suit, and on the back of my suit it would say ‘Dog 1’.
NASA spokeswoman: You have to be very intelligent to be an astronaut. It takes years of…
Dog: What are you saying lady? Between kindergarten, elementary school, high school, and bounty hunting school, I have nearly seven and a half years of education behind me. And oh yeah, I also have a PhD: Professional Homeland Defender. Plus, I’ve been around women all my life, and most of ‘em are space cadets.
NASA spokeswoman: I’m sure the human resources department at NASA would love to be enlightened by your…
Dog: Lady, the only human resource department at my bail bonds shop back in Honolulu are these biceps you’re looking at right now. Human resource officer 1 is this left one, human resource officer 2 is this right one. These babies are also my union officers, my affirmative action department, and my payroll. Actually, come to think of it, Beth handles payroll. But anyways, yeah, you got a grievance to file, I will listen for five seconds then kick your ass for thirty.
NASA spokeswoman: Dog, it’s been a pleasure meeting you. I think that page on the intercom is for me. Bye.
My vision for the perfect NASA spacesuit. The open chest might be an issue for space travel
NEW EPISODES OF ‘WHEN WORLDS COLLIDE’ AIR EVERY TUESDAY AT 8:30ET. ON NEXT WEEK’S EPISODE, CARROT TOP VISITS THE MASSACHUSETTS INSTITUTE OF TECHNOLOGY.
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