Go Go Kart Racer

I was feelin’ mighty peckish the other night so I turned off the tv and announced that we were all going out to eat. Beth was kind of upset that I had switched off her DVD of “Models Inc” but she’ll get over it. Just like the time I replaced the Brita filter with a balled up coat hanger. I didn’t actually tell her about that so let’s keep it quiet. I wasn’t quite sure where to go for grub, I had many fine establishments on the brain, KFC, Jack in the Box, White Castle etc. I decided to go with the one that had the coolest looking design, Pizza Hut. I mean, it has a pizza right on the sign. Now that’s truth in advertising. I tell ya, I wish I would have been more vigilant before I bought all of that stock at Winners. I just assumed that it was a sure thing, turns out I don’t get insider information. I don’t even know what they do down there all day, play We Are the Champions by Queen I imagine.

Once I got into Pizza Hut I knew exactly what I wanted. I didn’t even need a menu and I couldn’t give two shits what the rest of the herd was ordering. I wanted a P’Zone. One pound of meat and cheese covered in a inch and half of crust. They told me that I could have either pepperoni or the “meaty” one. After yelling out God Bless America, I asked for the one that had pepperoni and meat, I figured I’d go at my stomach from all angles. This is why I love our country. I don’t want to go to a restaurant and just have a plate of rice like some communist farmer. I want a meal, and when I say I want a meal, even a full side of ribs doesn’t cut it anymore. I want a meal that, when I hold it up to eat it, it eclipses my entire torso.





For dessert I think I'll have a P'Zenema





After dinner the kids wanted to go do something fun. I suggested lying down on the sidewalk because after eating my P'Zone it felt like I had Rosie O'Donnell and Donald Trump going at it in my stomach. I can't complain though, it tasted so good I ate it in less time then it takes Madonna to "reinvent" herself. Pizza Hut can now claim to be the first restaurant to make their customers gain a full pound in less than four minutes. Give that place the Congressional Medal of Honor or whatever it is food joints get for breaking records. I'm so in love with the P'Zone that I went out back to the freezer part of Pizza Hut and bought an entire crate of it.

While I was there I asked the guy to pretend to lock me in the freezer and turn the lights out just for old times sake. Good thing it's cold in there because I wet myself almost every time they do that. I figure I can use the P'Zone for the kids' lunches, and their suppers. We usually don't feed them breakfast because their teachers said their flatulence was interfering with the other kids' ability to learn. If you ask me a little cheek music never hurt a soul but you know how touchy teachers are these days with their "you can't say that here" and their "stop shooting me".







I present Pizza Hut with the Gut-Binder of the Year Award




We checked out a few arcades but we scrapped that idea because they didn't have Golden Axe. Then we found a pretty cool place, Rusty's Go Kart Track & Tattoo Parlor. If you ride for more then seven hours straight you get a free tattoo. But only of the ones Rusty knows of, so three basically. A dragon, a dragon with a naked woman on it and a dragon with a giant snake wrapped around it, pretty sweet. I wasn't going to go on the track myself because I wasn't sure if I was allowed to on a suspended license. Beth convinced me though so I decided to saddle up and give 'er a try.

I had trouble deciding on which go kart to choose as Rusty had a wide assortment of vehicles that had been either modified or stolen.






I could've used this one after the P'Zone







In the end I wanted something that was going to wipe the floor with my kids on the track because winning is everything and anyone who tells you any different is only jealous because they wouldn't be able to win an STD at a hooker party. Trust me.






Oh Snap







Once I had chosen this beast as my ride and filled out my last will and testament, I was ready to roll. I had some trouble right at the start with my helmet. Rusty only had sizes big enough to fit Warwick Davis. Don't be fooled by Willow, that was mostly hair space. I tried about four different ones but every time I put them on I felt like my brains were coming out of my eye sockets so I just wrapped a bath towel around my head and took it from there.

Well the first lap went pretty decent, I only had the pedal down about 1/5 of the way and I had passed everyone in about 2 seconds. Then I hit the nitrous switch and I was like Sylvester Stallone in Cobra when he flew down the street in that old suped up car after the gang of axe weilding lawyers. The only difference was Sly made it to his destination and I drive into a pile of rubber tires and flipped over. Luckily for me, the years of spraying my hair with WD-40 for a more pronounced body paid off and I only suffered minor cuts and burns.






Rusty'll want his deposit back I bet