In The Beginning, There Was Dog

I was up late the other night watching reruns of The Rockford Files when I heard a knock at my door. I brushed the army of dismembered Cheetos from my stomach and went to see who it was. When I opened the door, there was nobody there. What I did see however, was the calling card of my geneaologist, Alfred B. Pickles. I figured he must have some more information on one of my family members. There’s no mistaking his card, it’s a piece of 4’ x 4’ bristol board with his name and slogan written in spiral macaroni on it. His slogan is “You’re ancestors are dead but you aren’t so get off your ass and find out what they did for a living” I keep telling him it’s a shitty slogan but he always puts his fingers in his ears and sings ‘I Got You Babe’ by Sonny and Cher until I stop complaining about it.

So I grabbed his business card and hauled it in the house. I put it next to the fireplace for kindling. Not that we need a fireplace in Hawaii but I think this house was owned by a tweaker before we bought it so they were probably always cold and wanting to cook their babies or something. Just as I was going back to my Rockford Files and Cheetos the doorbell rang. I opened the door and there was Alfred, he wanted to know if I had gotten his card. I was tempted to punch him in the face but then I remembered my Tony Robbins mantra “Judge not, unless it benefits you financially” and decided that I should just let this nutcase get his “bat-shittyness” out of his system so I can get some information out of him about my family.





A bag a day keeps the doctor away



Alfred said he had some important information for me and to meet him in the public park the following day. Then he asked if I had money for a cab or a car he could borrow for a few weeks. After teaching him how to hitchhike I went back to bed so I wouldn’t be late for my recurring nightmare where scientists create cowboy boots that can think and then they eat your feet but they’re so damned stylish everyone keeps on a buyin’ them. Fear is my Gatorade folks.

The next day I found Alfred in the park stuck in the bend of the kiddie slide. I hauled him out and told him I was a busy man and needed to get this over with quick. He produced a piece of paper from his trench coat and handed it to me. Written on it was “Do you like me? Circle Yes or No”. I asked him what in the name of Jed Clampett was that supposed to be. He apologized and said it was for a lady friend he’d been courting down at the local Sonic Burger. She had given him extra mayo and where he’s from that means she wants to get busy, his words not mine. Then he handed me the right piece of paper, it told the story of Duanezekiel, a prophet that lived in the exact same time as Christ, which I’m guessing was at least a few hundred years ago.

Alfred said that the information on that paper was huge, so huge it could even make The Da Vinci Code movie look like a piece of crap. Now, I know nothing could touch that movie with a ten foot pole because you can’t go wrong when you combine truth with Tom Hanks, it’s a win-win. Look at Forrest Gump for God’s sakes, the guy was as dumb as Randy Jackson but he managed to do all kinds of crazy shit. I even took the family down to Georgia so we could see where the real Forrest Gump lived. Once we found his house it was a big disappointment though. It was no longer a whorehouse and the people living there told us we were the crazy ones and called the cops. Fame, it’s a bitch-goddess that can ruin even the simplest of men.














I wish Robert Zemeckis would show the rest of us his time machine

Alfred told me to be very careful with the document, then he ran away as fast as he could. I sat down and read what he had given me, it must have been written in what they call old English or something because I had a hard time following it. Plus it was really broken up so I only got bits and pieces. It seems that not only was Duanezikiel a prophet, he also was an old-timey bounty hunter of sorts:

At that time Jesus said to the crowd, “Am I leading a rebellion, that you have come out with swords and clubs to capture me? Every day I sat in the temple courts teaching, and you did not arrest me”.

To which Duanezikiel replied “Lo, I mean yo, Jesus, I saweth you inhaling the forbidden drug, ice. Also known from here to the Tigris as metheth. Thou has broken the laws of the land handed down by the holiest of brahahs, Emperor Tiberius. And now it’s time to goeth to meet your maker, which is I guess you, or your father? I gotta be honest I get easily confused with that whole son of God thing plus it’s like 135 in the shade in this place, I’m sweating like Herod here…

Very early in the morning, the chief priests, with the elders, the teachers of the law and the whole Sanhedrin, and Duanezekiel, reached a decision. They bound Jesus, led him away and handed him over to Pilate. On the way, Duanezekiel spake to Jesus in the back of the chariot. “Jesus, I am a man of second chances, I think you can turn your life around, here partake in this tobacco stick, I’ve rolled it in the hairs of the sacred beast that roams this land. I think I shall call these tobacco sticks Camels”…

Jesus partook in the sacred weed, and it was good. Duanezekiel continued, “Jesus, are you willing to accept yourself into your life?” To which Jesus replied “You make no sense”…

Wanting to satisfy the crowd, Pilate released Barabbas to them. He had Jesus flogged, and handed him over to be crucified. As the crucifixion commenced, Duanezekiel was heard to state “Well that wraps that up, anyone know where that slut Mary Magdalene is shacked up at? I’ve been many moons without the company of a woman and my cup runneth over”…














Duanezekiel is the one looking serious

I couldn’t believe that one of my relatives actually tracked down and arrested Jesus. It’s a hard pill to swallow but I guess if Duanezekiel hadn’t captured him he wouldn’t have been struck by lightning and resuscitated. It’s funny how life just works out like that.