Tuesday, June 26, 2007

The WEAZ Incident

Tommy: “Gooooooooooood Morning Honolulu! If this is your wakeup call then WAKEUP!!! That’s right, you’ve got it locked on the channel that rocks, WEAZ 89.7 FM, The Wheez. I’m your host, Tommy “Knockers” Maldano and sitting beside me here, probably drunk-

Phil: Yep

Tommy: Probably wishing he was home-

Phil: Oh yeah

Tommy: And definitely not awake, Phil “Collins” Briggs. Say hello Phil

Phil: Hello Phil

*wonka wonka*

Tommy: heh, heh. Ok, let’s see what the weather’s going to be like today. Hot and sunny for this morning, hot and sunny for this afternoon, and this evening, hot but without the sun of course!

Phil: I wish they could fix that, Tommy

Tommy: Me too, Phil. But for now we’ve gotta just deal with the fact that the sun will go down in the evening, sad but true folks.

*ARRUUUUUUUGA*

Tommy: Whoa! You know what that sound means folks, time for the Wheez’s traffic report. Ok, what do we got here, heavy traffic coming into the city on the 347. Geez here’s something, on the 350 inbound, a man is standing on the hood of a car challenging another man to fight after an accident. We’ve got Rick in the Heli-Wheezer checking things out, Rick, what do ya got for us buddy?

Rick: Well Tommy there was a collision here about 15 minutes ago on the 350 inbound and this moron gets out and tries to haul the other guy out of the car to fight. The other guy refused, then the first guy jumps on the hood of his car and is screaming at him. Oh wait, now he’s jumping off, ok he’s kicked in his grill…now he’s gnawing on his side mirror like some sort of bear in a nature park. Ok, now he’s left the guy alone and is getting back into his car. In other news, I see a major collision has just occurred on the –

Tommy: That’s great Rick thanks for that. Ok now it’s time for the Sports Wheez-el to come out of his hole and tell us what happened last night.

Phil: Alrighty, well, in baseball, the Royals beat the Yankees 11-0. Roger Clemens’ arm finally separated from his body completely, now, they hope to reattach it with some sort of cyborg arm not unlike Luke Skywalker’s hand in The Empire Strike’s Back.

Tommy: Seriously?

Phil: Yep

Tommy: Okie dokie, must be true then. Moving on, thanks for that update by the way Phil. We’ve got a special treat for you all right now. We’ve got the man spreadin’ Jesus’ plan, the Hunter who brings the Thunder, the Angel in leather himself, Duane Chapman, aka Dog The Bounty Hunter, right here in the studio, talkin’ to Phil and me, mano-e-mano, right after we play you a little Roxette to get you into the workday, wake up Honolulu, and join the joyride baby whoooo!

“I hit the road out of nowhere, I had to jump in my car…”

Tommy: Aaaaand we’re back, in case you’re just joining us that was Roxette with Join the Joyride. Hey Phil, you gonna join the joyride or what?

Phil: Oh yeah

Tommy: That’s why we keep him around folks, pearls of wisdom every morning. Ok lets get back to the grind here, the Wheez is proud to announce that we have a very special guest, he’s sitting right here, Dog The Bounty Hunter. Dog, thanks for joining us today.

Dog: Boy that secretary you’ve got down there has a set on her doesn’t she? She makes Beth look like Kate Moss…oh, am I on? Hello?

Tommy: Hello Dog, yes you’re live on the air speaking to Honolulu.

Dog: Oh ok, *cough* ok lets edit that out later or something. Ok from the top, No problem Tommy. Sorry I’m late, had a little fender bender on the way over.

Tommy: That’s ok, that’s ok my man, glad to have you here in one piece. You feeling ok?

Dog: I’m fine, just a little shook up s’all

Tommy: Ha, like Elvis eh?

Dog: Elvis died on the toilet with a gut full of barbituates, so no, nothing at all like Elvis really.

Tommy: Gotcha. Ok. Now, Dog, the whole city is wondering, what makes a guy like you tick?

Dog: Uh, well, chasin’ people, tacklin’ people, converting people to Jesus and Budweiser, but not necessarily in that order.

Phil: Technically, Jesus is not a religion, he was a man.

Dog: Technically, that comb-over of yours shouldn't be classified as hair, either, Phil.

Tommy: Ok Phil how about I ask the questions and you go back to sniffing those markers huh? Sorry, Dog. Thanks for letting us in on the things you enjoy. How about music? What’s on your Ipod right now?

Dog: Eyepod? No, I wear Ray-Bans most of the time Tommy.

Tommy: Ok no problem we’ll just skip these ones for now…ok, tell me about Da Kine Bail Bonds. How does that place operate exactly?

Dog: Well, when some meth fueled punk gets out on bail and doesn’t uphold the court date, it’s up to me and my crew to find them so they can find peace within themselves and do the right thing.

Tommy: Are you pro bono?

Dog: No I’ve always hated Sonny and Cher

Tommy: Uh…okie doke. Say, you ok Dog? Looks like your nose is bleeding, get him a Kleenex Phil. Maybe we should cancel this Dog? Since you were just in an accident and all?

Dog: No, I'm K-O-A, I mean A-Ok

Tommy: Alrighty, now, I'd like to ask you about your volunteer work. You go out of your way to make sure that kids in this area know the dangers of meth...

Dog: Nope, gum drop candles fill my soul with tar, frogs ate the minister, whose gonna notice?

Tommy: Ok lets call a doctor, he’s having some trouble here

*THUD*

Tommy: Ok he’s collapsed, call 911 Phil

Phil: Done, what should we do now?

Tommy: Give the guy some air I guess

Phil: Naw, lets draw dicks on his face with permanent markers

Tommy: I don’t think so..

Phil: C’mon, the guy looks like he killed Cousin Itt and super glued him to his scalp.

Tommy: Ok, give me the purple one...

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