Before we left for the mall I had to check my email. I’ve become addicted to that thing, I check it every few minutes and often I fond myself just clicking the “check for new mail” button over and over. Every time that tiny “0” appears I die a little inside. It was my lucky day though, I had a couple of emails. One was from “dixiecups69xoxxosmoochiepie@sympatico.com” and it was titled “Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Plzzzz read very important it was on oprah about bill gates shocking!!!” Apparently, for every person I forward this email to, Microsoft will pay me $300! I couldn’t believe it, my ship had finally come in, suck on it Bill Gates! Time for the little man to get his hand in that gigantic, futuristic and probably alarmed cookie jar! I don’t have a clue how to forward emails so I just yelled all the names of people I know into the screen hoping the computer would take it from there. The other email was some piece of crap from someone called “James Kramer, Your Lawyer” with an email titled “Duane, important info Re: Your Court Case”. Yeah sure buddy, I can smell a scam a mile away. They don’t call me The Dog because I lick my own balls. I can, though, seriously, my neck is double jointed.
The arresting officer was never seen again
So in order to relax, I tossed the kids and Beth into the SUV and we mosied on over to the Twin Coconuts Shopping Plaza in southeast Honolulu. I didn’t have enough car seats for all twelve kids but they enjoy riding in the back where the groceries go and also in the wheel wells. It teaches them character, how to survive and the fact that their daddy didn’t believe in condoms from 1981-2000. Once we pulled into the Twin Coconuts parking lot I had a hard time finding a place to park, I’m pretty picky. I don’t park my vehicles next to just anyone. I take pride in my car and I’m also not supposed to be driving this thing “off-air”. If A&E ever found out I’d be going around chasing criminals in a Big Wheel, which would be a trippy flashback to when I was six years old but probably not very feasible at my age. I hadn’t been to this mall in a while so I was pretty pumped up to spend my hard earned cash on all of the local merchants’ wares.
Ok everyone, remember where we parked
The first place we had to go was Toys R Us which, for a kid, can be a wondrous, magical experience. For a parent, it can be very touching to see your child’s wide-eyed excitement at all of the shiny new toys. For a parent of twelve kids, it’s the equivalent of trimming your nose hairs with a paper shredder. It’s painful is what I’m trying to get across here. If my kids were well behaved it wouldn’t be a problem but my kids are all borderline sociopaths, if they ever became organized they’d make Al Qaeda look like The Get Along Gang.
I couldn’t believe the toys that they had in that shop. Action figures, board games, dinky cars and Lego projects that you needed an engineering degree in order to understand. In my day, a kid would never be allowed into a shop like this. Kids back then were happy with the toys they given by their parents, which in my case were half of a hula hoop and a pillow case full of empty Lick-A-Maid pouches, so garbage, basically. Ahh I spent many a summer’s eve swinging that pillow case around at my friends though.
Show the recluse in your family you still care
Next up I had to go with Beth to a clothing place called Smart Set. I got so sick of the kids I just threw $200 into the air and told them to have fun. I think some other kids got some money as well but I’m all about spreading joy. Smart Set is filled with nothing but women’s clothing, what will they think of next? I tell ya, if America gets any more liberal we’ll be seeing little Chez Guevara’s running around in fatigues in these malls. I hated Smart Set from the start, if they were actually smart they’d put leather recliners in there for the males who have to wait seven hours for their women to get out of the changing rooms. After twenty minutes in that place I would have settled for a pile of dirty laundry to sit down on.
It wouldn’t have been so bad if there was any eye candy working there to stare at while I waited but most of the girls working there looked like they just escaped from a concentration camp, and not the fancy ones they had in Poland either, I’m talkin’ the hardcore Germany ones. I like a lady with some meat on her bones, and in Beth’s case, a full pig roast on her chest. The music they played was equally pleasant, it ranged from “Barbie Girl” by Aqua to “She’s So High” by Tal Bachman and was played so loud you had to use a megaphone to ask where the fucking change rooms were. Tal Bachman, there’s a winner, Randy Bachman must be spinning in his grave.
Excuse me miss, where can I find the automatic weapons?
After escaping that hornet’s mess I was feeling mighty hungry so I ran around, gathered the herd together and we headed up the escalators to the food court. I was cravin’ something sweet so I decided to head on over to Cinnabon. I wanted a pack of Cinnabon Stix, a Caramel Pecanbon and a CarmeLatta Chill to wash it down with. I don’t think I’m eating enough caramel so I figured this would be a good way to reach my quota. I tried to ask for extra pecans but the kid working the counter obviously wasn’t able to grasp my need because he looked about as stunned as Keanu Reeves in, well every single movie he’s ever been in. I carefully explained that I wanted extra pecans on my bun and no ice in my Latta. I might as well have asked that guy Fig Newton why the coconut fell on his head because this kid wasn’t going to get it. I got so irate I jumped over the counter and filled a bag full of pecans, took all the ice out of the icemaker and walked off with my original order, not before I stuffed the correct change into the little punk’s mouth.
Yes, you too can have a degree in Communications
Then I rounded up the clan, threatened to leave them all out of my will if they disobeyed me, got them all in the car and we drove home. Don’t let my experience get you down America, please keep on shopping, because the more we buy from places like “Bizou Accessories” the less chance the terrorists have of winning
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