I’ve always been a really funny person, just not in front of a lot of people, well any people to be honest. Usually I’m actually kind of shy but put a few beers in me and I’m a regular Paul Reiser. The other night I was telling jokes left and right in front of the family and I was on fire. I’m not sayin’ I was telling good jokes, I actually was on fire. I was in the middle of my routine about the Afghan stand in Afghanistan and I must have gotten all excited because I backed up into our homemade candelabra. The open flames on that thing set my hair alight and my whole hairdo went up quicker than the Waco compound. I guess I have nobody to blame but myself, I use so many different kinds of products in my hair that I’m surprised Greenpeace hasn’t tried to camp out on my forehead.
Relationship observations? The guy's a genius
I was also very drunk at the time. I’d had enough beer to kill Vern Troyer, which means I’d had around 3. I’d also like to blame Beth for this mishap because she’s the one who thinks using electricity after 6:00pm is sacrilegious. I’m not one to question the Bible but someone should tell her that nose hair trimmer of hers doesn’t exactly run on “good vibes”. The accident put a serious cramp in my comedy routine, not to mention my chiseled good looks. After Leland put my hair out by dumping the aquarium on me, I went to the mirror to assess the damage. Everyone tried to tell me I looked fine but I thought I looked like someone who was half on his way to becoming a Hari Krishna.
And don’t get all Paul McCartney on me and worry about the fish in the aquarium, there hasn’t been anything living in that thing since ’92, unless a hotdog counts as a living thing. I’ll have to look that one up. Like I said, there hasn’t been anything living in it for a while since we tried to train one of our kids to swim in it after he got kicked out of kids’ swim camp for having what the swim instructor called “the social skills of a lawnmower”. I wasn’t quite sure what he meant because to me, you can’t get any higher on the food chain then a lawnmower brah. I would think it’s an honor to have the personality of a lawnmower: loud, proud and full of gas. Anyway, he was kicked out of swim camp so we tried to train him in the aquarium but things went south when he got his foot caught in the suction hose and nearly drowned. To this day the little tyke can’t look at a miniature castle without freaking out.
In hindsight, we should've tried to train him in one this size rather then the ole 5 gallon one
Getting back to the comedy thing, I like to practice in front of my family but to be honest I don’t think they have the critical eye that’s needed to be a winner on “Last Comic Standing”. To be honest some members of my family don’t have all of their eyes at all so that’s a strike against them right there. Anyway, I’ve been practicing down at the local comedy club “Knee Slappers”. They have an amateur night there and I’ve been going down for the last few weeks. I’ve been getting solid responses from the crowd but I wanted to share with you, gentle reader, my routine so that it can be reviewed by people who are hopefully sober and have a full set of chromosomes. Beth recorded my routine last night so here it goes, enjoy:
Dog: *Cough* Ok, ummm, how’s it goin’ Honolulu? Great crowds here, best in the world, best in the world…Phew! Hot in here isn’t it? It’s like we’re situated close to a volcano or something, am I right? Am I right? Ok…well, I was on an airplane the other day, and the stewardess comes up to me and asks me “Can I interest you in a headset for five dollars?” And I say “no honey but if I give you $2.50 will you cut the deal in half and just give me head?”
Heckler: You suck
Dog: Ha, yeah, that’s ok, a little crowd interaction never hurt anyone. Anyway…anyone here from out of town? Ok miss, your town called and they want their cottage cheese back, looks like it got stuck to your ass before you left
Heckler: Quit ripping off Andy Kaufman dickhead
Dog: How ‘bout I put you in an Andy Coffin, sir? You want that? Ok where was I…uhhhh just a sec folks. Ok, I did the volcano, did the airplane bit, cottage cheese, ok here it is…Dontcha hate it, when you go to tie your shoelaces, and the laces break? I mean, what’s up with that? Why can’t they make those things out of stronger material? Are we living in Russia or something? C’mon.
Heckler: Boooo you suck!
Dude: Ok mother%#@!, I don’t come down to where you’re working and slap the dick out of your mouth so why don’t you take a break from being an asshole and listen to what I have to say.
Heckler: What you have to say, my friend, is pure shit
Dog: GET ON UP HERE MOTHER#@#@$! GET UP HERE YOU LITTLE SHIT!!! I”M GONNA TEAR YOU A NEW ASSHOLE!!! YOU'RE WHAT'S WRONG WITH AMERICA! YOU AND ALL THE FAGS OUT THERE! FAG LOVER!! HE'S A FAG LOVER!!
End tape
One day I'll be that good
As the tape shows, it didn’t go too well. I tried to dropkick the guy from up on the stage and I landed on another couple’s table by mistake. I hope you can overlook my little outburst and focus on the quality jokes. As for my slur against gays, I've contacted both Tom Cruise and the band Nickleback in order to issue an official apology to the gay community and to get in touch with my queer sde. I’m also working on a whole new set of material, I think its killer stuff. It’s a hilarious outlook on how black people are different from white people.
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